1st of the Month

Anyone who relies on government aid for money knows the joy of seeing that check at the beginning of the month. Back in the 90's, there was a song by Bones, Thugs, and Harmony called the 1st of the Month.  I loved that song.  I felt like the rest of the world finally knew what it meant to be poor. Growing up, my parents only got about $200 in food stamps. I don't see how they managed but we always had food on the table, a roof over our head, and the electric bill got paid.

Being in my hometown on the 1st was crazy! There were never that many people in town except on the 1st or at the Honey Festival. I never realized that many people even lived in Breathitt County. Rarely did I get to go inside a bank, other than at the beginning of the month. I thought only "rich" people went in there after the 1st. The lines at the bank and the stores would be super long. The two or three little traffic lights in Jackson seem to take forever with all the cars lined up.

Of course, life was good on our July 4th celebrations! After all, everyone had just gotten their food stamps and disability checks. One year my parents managed to buy a cheap little grill from Malonies which was small discount store much like Kmart or Wal-Mart. We couldn't afford much to go on that grill but the smell of the charcoal burning made me enjoy whatever was cooked. Naturally we always got firecrackers and sparklers to light.

Sometimes we celebrated the 4th with my grandparents. They usually brought the good stuff to grill -- steak, hamburgers, and hot dogs. Grandpa loved his steak nearly raw! I was lucky to even get to taste a bit of steak. There would be fresh stuff from our garden to go along with the fancy meat. Grandma's favorite salad was fresh lettuce, green onions, tomatoes, and bacon grease. Mommy would make awesome deviled eggs and we had watermelon for desert. Somehow watermelon just doesn't taste as good as it did back then. Later we would roast marshmallows on what was left of the burning charcoal in the grill. I would try to write my name in the dark sky with the sparklers. My Uncle Wayne would scare all the dogs with the firecrackers. So many times I remember sitting in the dark on that front porch listening to my Grandma's sweet voice telling me of her childhood stories. She and my Uncle Wayne always made me laugh so much. Those were the good sweet memories. None of which can be taken from me.

Unfortunately, there was no 4th without my dad and Grandpa getting a little toasted. Regardless of the little money we had, the two managed to get drunk somehow. Our July 4th celebrations would start off from a small quarrel and progress to giant fight. Regardless of how many times these things happened at the holidays, my family and I would be surprised as if we didn't expect them to get as drunk "this" time. Some fights were not so bad but some were scary.

Daddy normally was a quiet easy going person until he had drunk about a case of beer. Then his anger would come out. He would be ready to shoot or beat up anyone who made him mad. There was always drama when alcohol got involved with my family. Our family get togethers would be going great one minute and the next there would be tension, fights, and the fear if someone was going to get seriously hurt.  I suppose this is why I have this impending fear of losing the good feelings and the good things around me at times.

My hardships have taught me to be grateful for everything in my life. I have learned that nothing lasts forever. Money, jobs, people, and material things – these things are all temporary. There is more to life than getting a quick fix of happiness. People disappoint you, jobs end, and something new will come along.  Seeking the source of true happiness within me is an ongoing challenge.  Its accepting just what God intends to have for my life and giving Him all the Praise.

No one has a perfect childhood. No family is perfect. Yet I am so grateful for the memories, the lessons, and every challenge that God has placed in front of me. My race has just begun.

I can’t change the past or the bad memories but I can choose how I deal with it today. I choose to forgive and not be resentful when things don’t go my way. I relish in the sweet memories of my past. I focus on the positive and hope in a better future.

At times, things may look bleak in our country.  But we can focus on the positive. We can make positive changes and sweet memories for our own family. It's not about how much money we have, where we go on vacation, or what material things we may have.  Spending moments, making good memories, and cherishing our values is vital.

WE still have choice and a voice in our country. All is not lost.  God IS and will always be in control of our World.

God Bless America and Her People!!!!

Broken Plans

When you are younger, you have great dreams and aspirations for your life.  I remember having countless fights with my mom about having "sensible" goals.  I debated about being a dancer, actress, writer, computer programmer, business woman, wife, and mom.  Um...yeah...not many of those goals have really worked out for me.  Somehow in my 20's and 30's, I got sidetracked from working two jobs to make ends meet as well as feeling stuck in an immature relationship.  I had no time to accomplish life goals.  I was too busy worrying about pleasing others and a small fear of growing up emotionally.

How many of us wake up one day as if our life had been a bad night of partying or a bad dream? Suddenly we realize that life seems to have passed us by, while others look like they got a 1st class ticket on the Train to Life.  They seem to have it all together - the house, car, career, family....etc.  Too many times I look at my past mistakes and start to feel stranded at that train station.  How did I get stuck here so fast? I was so sure I had more time.

I find that I am my worst critic. I try to look strong on the outside while beating myself up on the inside.  Instead of seeing the positive accomplishments I have made, I tend to glare at those unfinished goals. Unfortunately, so many of them I don't have much power over. Then I get even angrier knowing that I don't have that control to just fix what's broken.

Those times when I can’t fix my health, people, or other situations in my life makes me realize how powerless I truly am. My biggest example of powerlessness was when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer at the end of 2008. I was convinced that it wasn't true and the doctors were wrong.  Even though deep down I knew that only God could change things, I still thought I had some power over my dad’s health.

It is in these times where I have no choice but to surrender, something I don’t enjoy. I usually come to this place kicking, screaming, and sometimes throwing things before I finally do surrender. My biggest battle is within – not wanting to ask for help because I can’t trust that the help will even be there.

Yet, the minute I let go and stop fighting is when the peace finally comes.  In that minute, I am able to forgive myself and others for any disappointments.  I hold on and trust in God to help me.  In that moment I am able to breathe a sigh of relief knowing that He’s in Control and will bring the changes I need.  I may not see the changes right away, if ever.  Yet I have that moment of peace when I allow Him to drive the Train to Life. 

There is no shame or defeat in surrendering to God, only Freedom.

Those who love me, I will deliver; I will protect those who know my name. When they call to me, I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will rescue them and honor them. With long life, I will satisfy them and show them my salvation. Psalms 91:14-16.

Pride

Every Sunday I watch people proceed in a long line when my church announces the altar call. Each person patiently awaits his/her turn to pray with a prayer partner. On occasion, thoughts cross my mind on why they choose to line up. What are their needs? Do they believe in miracles? Will they encounter a life changing moment by praying with a prayer partner? What crosses my mind even more is why I choose to avoid that line. Am I stronger than they are? Perhaps my needs are just not as important as theirs.

The prayer line at my church reminds me of my past. As a teenager, my parents and I would stand in line for government handouts. The "give away" cheese, butter, dry milk, and other goods were life savers growing up. The cheese was the best and my mom made the best recipes from these goods! I can still taste that yummy cheese!!!

My memories of standing line for cheese made me realize the pride I have. I suppose I avoid that altar call because of my independence and pride. Countless times my pride has kept me from asking for help. Not just in prayer but in many other situations. I shield myself from asking others for what I need or what I would like. I fear the rejection, disappointment, and shame for not feeling worthy or important enough.

As a child, I was taught to accept just what you got and be deserving of it. There was a bit of guilt and shame in asking for what you wanted. There were a lot of struggles in my childhood. Many times my family had to rely on others when we needed transportation, money, or help in other ways. At times I felt discouraged and disappointed because people were not able or willing to help. I realized that people are not perfect. They will disappoint you. They will let you down or choose not to help. I saw the struggles my parents endured during these times. Subconsciously, I was determined to never have to stand in line or rely on others to meet my needs.

My independence has helped me accomplish many goals in my life. This determination has got me where I am today. Unfortunately, it has also handicapped me from having healthy relationships and friendships. I tend to find needy people who “need” to be rescued. I find myself getting “used” at times then end up feeling bitter about it. I tend to never ask for what I need or want in relationships. I never want to show my weakness. I want to be strong enough.

Standing in those long lines for cheese also taught me the limitations that mankind has. Those government handouts unfortunately were limited to the number of people in a household. To avoid this, my mom would have my dad and I stand separate from her so that we could get more items. Thankfully God's answers to our prayers are not limited in this way. We can’t manipulate Him to get more than our share but it’s ok to ask to Him for what we want or need.

God is showing me that I can ask for what I want. It is ok to show my weakness. There is no shame in asking Him for I am worthy of His love. Perhaps I will be in that prayer line this Sunday when they announce the altar call.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:13