I've been meaning to write this entry for awhile now but unfortunately, my negative thinking gets in the way of me accomplishing much of what I really want to do. On many occasions, the negative thoughts pop up in my head almost like an attack with phrases like, "Who cares what you have to say?" or "You're really not that good." Actually those sayings are pretty friendly compared to a lot of the negative opinions I sometimes have towards myself. In the past, I endured a lot of verbal abuse. Even though I am removed from those negative situations of being verbal attacked, those weapons from the verbal abuse are still lodged within my head. Getting them out of my head is not an easy task. Some weapons have been lodged in there for many years. Yet I am determined to get them out someday.
Having a negative attitude and thinking negatively can feel almost like an attack to your own self. So how do you defend yourself from…um.....your Self?? For me, awareness is key. A lot of times I may not take notice of the "inner" me. I can start feeling angry, bitter at times, and complain a lot. Then the sadness, numbness, or just the refusal to "feel" anything may set in. When I feel worthless, out of control, or refuse to "feel" anything at all, that's a hint that the ghosts from my past are haunting my spirit once again.
The sweet thing about awareness is realizing that we have choice. I can choose to let the past control my future and fall into the same routine. Or I can choose to change my thinking and fight back. I can choose postive phrases like, "I am enough. I don't have to be perfect." I can dwell on the positives of life. Being grateful. I can choose to associate with friends and family who have a positive impact in my life. Or I can be stubborn, like I am most days, and isolate myself. Regardless, I can choose my battles. In the past, I believed and was lead to believe that I didn't have a choice. Like others in toxic relationships and addictive families, we choose to keep things "calm" on the homefront. We give up our feelings, needs, and wants just so there is no trouble stirred up. Amazingly, we bury those feelings so deep down within that we forget who we are, what we feel, and even what we want. Unfortunately, one of the worst parts about verbal abuse, as with any abuse, is that its like the gift {pain} that keeps on giving. That negative pattern can continue on within the family unless someone chooses to change the pattern.
Change can be easy but the willingness to change is the hard part. We can take comfort though in knowing that we don't have to take on this battle alone. That willingness part comes from realizing that we can't conquer those demons without God's help. When we are willing and ready, God will provide the courage, determination, patience, and other stuff we need to change our destructive patterns. All we have to do is ask for His Help. Practice makes perfect, think about what you are thinking about.
Negative Thinking + An Unwillingness to Change = Negative Results
As Ethan would say "...Check your self before you wreck yourself." :^) (from the movie, Due Date)
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