Pride

Every Sunday I watch people proceed in a long line when my church announces the altar call. Each person patiently awaits his/her turn to pray with a prayer partner. On occasion, thoughts cross my mind on why they choose to line up. What are their needs? Do they believe in miracles? Will they encounter a life changing moment by praying with a prayer partner? What crosses my mind even more is why I choose to avoid that line. Am I stronger than they are? Perhaps my needs are just not as important as theirs.

The prayer line at my church reminds me of my past. As a teenager, my parents and I would stand in line for government handouts. The "give away" cheese, butter, dry milk, and other goods were life savers growing up. The cheese was the best and my mom made the best recipes from these goods! I can still taste that yummy cheese!!!

My memories of standing line for cheese made me realize the pride I have. I suppose I avoid that altar call because of my independence and pride. Countless times my pride has kept me from asking for help. Not just in prayer but in many other situations. I shield myself from asking others for what I need or what I would like. I fear the rejection, disappointment, and shame for not feeling worthy or important enough.

As a child, I was taught to accept just what you got and be deserving of it. There was a bit of guilt and shame in asking for what you wanted. There were a lot of struggles in my childhood. Many times my family had to rely on others when we needed transportation, money, or help in other ways. At times I felt discouraged and disappointed because people were not able or willing to help. I realized that people are not perfect. They will disappoint you. They will let you down or choose not to help. I saw the struggles my parents endured during these times. Subconsciously, I was determined to never have to stand in line or rely on others to meet my needs.

My independence has helped me accomplish many goals in my life. This determination has got me where I am today. Unfortunately, it has also handicapped me from having healthy relationships and friendships. I tend to find needy people who “need” to be rescued. I find myself getting “used” at times then end up feeling bitter about it. I tend to never ask for what I need or want in relationships. I never want to show my weakness. I want to be strong enough.

Standing in those long lines for cheese also taught me the limitations that mankind has. Those government handouts unfortunately were limited to the number of people in a household. To avoid this, my mom would have my dad and I stand separate from her so that we could get more items. Thankfully God's answers to our prayers are not limited in this way. We can’t manipulate Him to get more than our share but it’s ok to ask to Him for what we want or need.

God is showing me that I can ask for what I want. It is ok to show my weakness. There is no shame in asking Him for I am worthy of His love. Perhaps I will be in that prayer line this Sunday when they announce the altar call.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:13