A lot of kids are afraid of the dark but they usually grow out. However, my mom never really did. Today she still sleeps with a night light or a lamp glowing. Sorry Mom! :) Growing up, I, too was afraid of the dark. Fortunately I could place the blame on my mom for leaving the kitchen light or lamp on all night.
I got my own room one summer for awhile when we moved to the old schoolhouse. There was a "backroom" attached to the back of the schoolhouse. It had been used as the lunchroom when the school was first built. I was happy to have a room of my own.
There are no "street lights" in a holler. Only outside porch lights or a "pole light" supplied by the electric company provides a little light at night in a pitch black holler. There was a small window in my "new" bedroom. At night I would open the curtains for a little light to shine in. I felt less afraid that way.
One night I couldn't sleep and lay restless in my bed staring up at the window. After moments of staring, the curtains began to close in on their own -- much to my surprise. I quickly closed my eyes and opened them. Unlike before, the curtains remained opened as they had been. As I continued to gaze, they appeared to be closing again. This went on for a little while even with me inspecting the curtains. A few times the curtains seemed nearly closed all together. Each time I would get scared and hide under the covers or close my eyes. When I opened them, they would seem fine again. It took me awhile before I realized that my eyes were deceiving me. The curtains weren't closing at all but it was my perception in the dark that made them appear that way. If we stare at something for so long and become so focused, we lose sight of the things around us.
I have been living my life the same way as staring at those curtains. I become so focused, worried, and lose sight of the truth of who I am. I lose confidence in me. I tend to believe the lies and deceit that has been built up from my past.
Those negative feelings of shame, worthlessness, imperfection, alone, doubts, worry, the list could go on and on, are just lies about who we are. These lies are so convincing that many times they are the only truth we know. Sadly, they keep us in bondage. By believing or focusing are these negative feelings, we can never really live a peaceful life.
We focus on the lies of deception because it's easier that way. We think " Its always been that way." We know what to expect, how to react, and fear trust or change. Sometimes we don't know how to even begin to change.
Believing and accepting ourselves can be hard. We have been brainwashed for so long that we now have to "re-program" our thinking. This may mean re-experiencing the pain, trauma, and negative emotions that told us the lie about ourselves to begin with. We re-experience the memories so that we can let go of the lies about ourselves. Re-experiencing trauma or painful emotions can be traumatic and should be done with a trusted source (counselor, sponsor, pastor, therapist, and/or and friend, etc.)
Letting go of all that you thought "was the truth" can be a new scary experience as well. Who will I become? Will God "really" be there fore Me? Reprogramming and letting go of hurts takes time. It is a slow process but awareness is the key.
With help, I am hoping to stop staring at those dark curtains (lies) and believe in my abilities. May you find the truth in yourself and allow God to bring you the peace you deserve.
Fear is not of God
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