Pride

Every Sunday I watch people proceed in a long line when my church announces the altar call. Each person patiently awaits his/her turn to pray with a prayer partner. On occasion, thoughts cross my mind on why they choose to line up. What are their needs? Do they believe in miracles? Will they encounter a life changing moment by praying with a prayer partner? What crosses my mind even more is why I choose to avoid that line. Am I stronger than they are? Perhaps my needs are just not as important as theirs.

The prayer line at my church reminds me of my past. As a teenager, my parents and I would stand in line for government handouts. The "give away" cheese, butter, dry milk, and other goods were life savers growing up. The cheese was the best and my mom made the best recipes from these goods! I can still taste that yummy cheese!!!

My memories of standing line for cheese made me realize the pride I have. I suppose I avoid that altar call because of my independence and pride. Countless times my pride has kept me from asking for help. Not just in prayer but in many other situations. I shield myself from asking others for what I need or what I would like. I fear the rejection, disappointment, and shame for not feeling worthy or important enough.

As a child, I was taught to accept just what you got and be deserving of it. There was a bit of guilt and shame in asking for what you wanted. There were a lot of struggles in my childhood. Many times my family had to rely on others when we needed transportation, money, or help in other ways. At times I felt discouraged and disappointed because people were not able or willing to help. I realized that people are not perfect. They will disappoint you. They will let you down or choose not to help. I saw the struggles my parents endured during these times. Subconsciously, I was determined to never have to stand in line or rely on others to meet my needs.

My independence has helped me accomplish many goals in my life. This determination has got me where I am today. Unfortunately, it has also handicapped me from having healthy relationships and friendships. I tend to find needy people who “need” to be rescued. I find myself getting “used” at times then end up feeling bitter about it. I tend to never ask for what I need or want in relationships. I never want to show my weakness. I want to be strong enough.

Standing in those long lines for cheese also taught me the limitations that mankind has. Those government handouts unfortunately were limited to the number of people in a household. To avoid this, my mom would have my dad and I stand separate from her so that we could get more items. Thankfully God's answers to our prayers are not limited in this way. We can’t manipulate Him to get more than our share but it’s ok to ask to Him for what we want or need.

God is showing me that I can ask for what I want. It is ok to show my weakness. There is no shame in asking Him for I am worthy of His love. Perhaps I will be in that prayer line this Sunday when they announce the altar call.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:13

 

Letting Go

Not long ago I had a dream I was driving too fast down a rainy slippery road.  The minute I thought about slowing down, I lost control of my truck.  Suddenly, I went sailing off the edge of a mountain like a bird in flight.  

In another dream, I was on my way to work when I took a wrong turn.  I was wandering around down a neighborhood as if I was in a foreign land.  Somehow I ended up standing on an empty beach.  Within moments, a tidal wave was rushing towards me like a tsunami. Before I knew it, the gigantic wave was hovering over my head ready to wash me away. 

Both dreams were frightening and so real like.  They made me nearly jump out of my bed.  What I remember most from these dreams was a feeling of inner peace.  The feeling was a calm one with a sense of letting go, not really giving up, but just realizing that life really was out of my hands and out of my control. In those final moments of the dream,  I had complete trust in God. I felt freedom from the pressures of the world.

For many years I have seen lives destroyed because of drugs, alcohol, and other addictions. Like a monster, these addictions have kidnapped many of my family and friends.  One by one, this monster has eaten away at their hearts, dragged their mind into hell, and placed them in a bondage nearly impossible to escape from.  Their lives became so tangled up with the brokenness as if they were trapped in a briar patch.  The lies, deceit, anger, robbery, sadness, and hopelessness became the thorns.

As the devastation of lives unfold before my eyes, my heart aches knowing there is little I can do to free them from this monster.  The more I pray, the more the destruction seems to grow.  For a while I thought what was the point of praying for them.  I use to believe that if I just loved them enough then things would eventually change, as if I had that type of control.  

Accepting that I can't help those close to me is very hard.  I want to run in, rescue, and have them feel no pain. Many times we do it with our children.  They climb, get into things, and fall.  They feel the pain.  As parents, we can guide and provide protection but there also has to be consequences from mistakes. We can allow our children to learn from the bad choices they make. 

Recalling these dreams made me realize that my prayers were not the only answer. I needed to learn to let go, trust, and look at my own issues of control.  None of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes.  They key is learning from them enough to make better choices next time.

Years ago a friend of mine gave me this "letting go" piece .  The words did not hit home until recently.  

Letting Go

To Let Go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To Let Go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.

To Let Go is not to enable but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To Let Go is not to care for but to care about.

To Let Go is not to fix but to be supportive.  It is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being.

To Let Go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To Let Go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To Let Go is not to deny but to accept. It is not to nag, scold or argue but instead search out my own weaknesses and correct them.

To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to become what I dream I can be.

To Let Go is not to regret that past but to grow and live for the future.

To Let Go is to fear less and love more.

Letting go allows us to trust God to do what we can't do -- provide the everlasting love, acceptance, and protection at all times.

Go Around and Move Ahead

I was in a rush driving down the road the other day when I felt like I was stuck in a ton of traffic. It never fails! When I am in a hurry, everyone and everything seems to jump from out of nowhere into my path. Being patience is not one of my good qualities. As I glanced at my speed and the time, the car in front of me seemed to be just poking along forever. I wondered what the holdup could possibly be. Finally I couldn’t take it any longer. I sped up and went around the car. To my amazement, there was barely any traffic ahead of the car. Had I known that the car was the only obstacle in my way, I could have just passed it a long time ago.

Life can be a lot like that as well. We may stay too long in a job, a relationship, a habit, or not attempt our goals for fearing what’s ahead. Many times my fear of failure or rejection has kept me locked out of a future. Sometimes I choose paths where I am kept at bay by rescuing others and not focusing on my own needs. Even though I do have compassion for others, the truth is that I receive some sort of self-worth and acceptance when I gain others approval of me.

Go Around and Move Ahead!

There’s a fine line between having a compassionate heart and enabling others. Melody Beattie writes in her meditation book, The Language of Letting Go, that if we worry so much over another’s pain that we neglect our own emotions and needs, then we are probably over involved. If our underline motive is guilt then we are not practicing compassion. If we are so focused on rescuing others, anger and resentment may start to build up. We may start to feel unappreciated, unworthy, and used up.

For years I rescued in my relationships and prayed for changes. As I sat on the porch waiting for God to come rescue me, I couldn’t understand why nothing was changing. What I didn’t realize was that I had to make a change in my behavior. I find it amazing that all I had to do was step off that porch and trust in Him to lead me towards a better future. I could have just walked away from the relationships but fear kept me in prison.

God asks us to step out in faith, do a little work on ourselves, and trust Him with the power over our lives. We don’t know what’s ahead unless we have the courage to go around those things that are slowing us down.

Courage takes us toward our future....