Growth

Recently I came across a journal that I kept from 2005 to 2008. The drama, the sadness, and the depression I felt in those years were overwhelming. I fought back tears reading her sadness. My immediate reaction to reading some of the entries was, what were you thinking, girl? I wasted a lot years waiting on someone to change to my liking.  The entries brought to life a lost girl wrapped up in someone else's actions, expecting him to bring me respect, joy, and purpose, yet being powerless and fearful through it all.

Discounting my feelings from the past is easy now. Yet discounting the feelings doesn’t solve anything. It only shows how much more I have to grow. Those emotions were true and my reality back then just as my emotions are true today. Feelings are not stupid or wrong. They are real and make us human.

Back then I enjoyed journaling and had plenty of time for it. My journal became my best friend. What's wonderful is that journaling our thoughts and feelings can be like a window to our past. We can look back and relive situations. Does the past make us smile or frown? Have we grown and moved on, or are we still stuck in that stale pond on some issues?

Change is not my favorite thing. I want my life to be consistent and stable. But if we want to improve our life, we have to make changes. Sometimes the change is forced upon us. Other times we take those first shaky baby steps of faith. Either way, we have to move forward. New things can be scary. Yet we can place trust in God that whatever change is made, He will be walking with us all along.

I can’t change what or who affected me in my past. But I can forgive myself and the past. Letting go helps me to see that God was molding me for the future. I am praying one day I can look back on journal entries and feel more love and acceptance that God has always had for me.

Accept your past and move forward.