I have never been that great at math. I suppose I just didn’t “get” it. Fortunately, my dad, who couldn’t read, was a math wiz. My fondest educational memory was my 5th grade year when he sat down and drilled me on my multiplication. He drew a multiplication table from my 1’s to my 12’s. I memorized them all. My parents then bought me a “Mr. Professor” calculator for Christmas. At first I was thrilled to have a calculator until I realized that Mr. Professor wasn’t a calculator at all but filled with math problem games. In any case, these tools helped me do well in math for awhile.
I remember feeling so proud and excited the day I passed a math multiplication test. However, some of my classmates and the teacher were aware that I didn’t do well in math. One girl even accused me of cheating from her test and told the teacher. Even though I knew the truth, I couldn’t convince her or the teacher that my dad had helped me. I felt as if they wanted me to continue to fail. Eventually my math skills started falling once again as their negativity towards me got “inside” my head.
I've been meaning to write this article for awhile now but just like that incident, the negative thinking gets the better of me. With the negativity “inside” my head, I can’t accomplish much of what I really want to do. Those phrases like, "Who cares what you have to say?" or "You're really not that good." seem to hold me back. Actually those sayings are pretty friendly compared to a lot of the negative opinions I sometimes have towards myself.
I endured a great deal of verbal abuse in my past. Though I am no longer in the situations of being attacked verbally, those weapons from the abuse are still lodged inside my head. Getting them out of my head is not an easy task. Some weapons have been lodged in there for many years. Yet I am determined to get them out someday.
Having a negative attitude and thinking negatively can feel almost like an attack to your own self. Like the people of my past, I “lie” to myself by stealing my self-confidence and believing that I am not good enough. So how do you defend yourself from…um.....your Self??
For me, awareness is the key. There are those around us and even our own selves, who can steal our joy or bring us down, which may not be intentional. However that negative atmosphere can cause us to lose the confidence in ourselves or even the world around us. However, just by being “aware” that is happening helps us to see with clearer eyes.
A lot of times I may not take notice of the "inner" me - what I am really feeling. I can start feeling angry, bitter, and complain a lot. The sadness, numbness, or just the refusal to "feel" anything may set in. When I feel worthless, out of control, or refuse to "feel" anything at all, that's a hint that the ghosts from my past are haunting my spirit once again. I have allowed “something” to steal my happiness.
The sweet thing about awareness is realizing that we have choice. I can choose to let the past control my future and fall into the same routine of being ugly towards myself. Or I can choose to change my thinking and fight back. I can choose to believe positive things towards myself such as "I am enough. I don't have to be perfect." I can choose to dwell on the positives of life by being grateful for every little aspect of my life. Unlike my past, I can choose to associate with friends and family who have a positive impact in my life. Or I can be stubborn, like I am most days, and isolate myself. Regardless, I can choose my battles.
I use to believe and was lead to believe that I didn't have choices. Like many others in toxic relationships and addictive families, we choose to keep things "calm" on the home front. We give up our confidence, feelings, needs, and wants just so that there is no trouble stirred up. Amazingly, we bury those feelings so deep down within that we forget who we are, what we feel, and even what we want. Unfortunately, one of the worst parts about this behavior is that it’s like the gift {pain} that keeps on giving. Verbal abuse, as with any abuse or negative pattern, can continue on within the family unless someone chooses to change the pattern.
Change can be easy but the willingness to change is the hard part. We can take comfort though in knowing that we don't have to take on this battle alone. That willingness part comes from realizing that we can't conquer those demons without God's help. When we are willing and ready, God will provide the courage, determination, patience, and other stuff we need to change our destructive patterns. All we have to do is ask for His Help. Remember to think about what you are thinking about by practicing.
Info about Codependency (http://www.coda.org/)
Info about Alanon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html)
Negative Thinking + An Unwillingness to Change = Negative Results
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