Trying to Catch Up

Never good enough...

I have spent the majority of my life trying to catch up with others.  Here I am, weeks away from being 40,  and I still find myself trying to be smart, pretty, spiritual, or just good enough.  If I only I had that certain "thing" that some else seems to have.  I have fought for so long to try to "catch up" and be equal to others so that I would finally feel more lovable, well liked, and accepted towards my own self.

These past "grown up" years, I have spent many hours reading co-dependency books, attending meetings, and listening to motivational speakers.  I have bounced around in a few churches until I finally found a comfortable one.  I even have a few great non-judgmental Christian friends who sometimes mentor and pray with me.  So why do I always come back to this "less than" feeling?

We are told so many times to let go and give it to God.  Turn your life over and accept Christ in your heart. Take it one day at time.  Walk in faith and easy does it.  Why do these answers sound so simple? Probably because in the end, it is.

For me, I could complicate working on the easiest thing like gluing two pieces of paper together. "How much glue? Glue it on the top? What about the middle? What about the bottom? Man, mine's not as good as yours!" Being the "drama" queen and emotional person that I am at times (which is OK too), I get so caught up that I miss the simplicity of it all.

Its not always easy for me just to simply to turn my problems and will over to God.  For a while, I had a control issue as if I couldn't trust God.  I often thought that I couldn't rely on Him as if He would let me down,  as others had done.  Even though my trust in God has improved, I still struggle with not wanting to "bother" Him so I'll just do it on my own.  In my eyes, my problems are not as important nor as of a big concern compared to the worldly problems. I am not as worthy as everyone else.  Thankfully, God doesn't see it that way.

As I was crying over this issue again today, I remembered my counselor friend helping me in the past. She had me remember the earliest time of having the same inadequate hurtful feelings.  It helps to know that the majority of those less than (unworthiness) and shaming feelings derive from our childhood and can be 'fixed'.  That part of me, the "wounded child", sometimes get stuck on situations of the past.  By recalling those times and "feel" those shaming or unworthy feelings, , the grown up part of me can console her as if she were my own daughter. With God's help, I can get back on track in the real world.  I can choose not to live there in the pain anymore and be the "grown up".  I don't have to listen to the negative talk anymore.  I have to reprogram those yucky thoughts of criticism which then helps the wounded me be free.

Many recovery groups have a 12 Step program for over complicators like myself. These steps are simple spiritual concepts. Regardless of what you are going through, God never leaves your side.

We don't have to live in the pain of the past.  Each moment can be a new beginning and a new love towards our self.

Be Nice to You.