Depression

What’s depression like?
What if you were to look down into a dark black hole just to see what was there. Then you began to dig away with a big spoon. Little by little you dug and dug and dug. Then years later you begin to realize you are standing in the middle of the dark black hole. You can see the light above you shinning down on you but there seems no way out. Here you stand, feeling like an idiot, because you started the digging in the first place and now you can’t get out.

For years, that’s what my depression was like. I got distracted away from life by peering into a dark hole that I thought held some of life’s precious gifts down there, things I thought I would always dream of having. I dreamed of acceptance,  love,  a family,  and someone to love me unconditionally for life. I hung on and on while trying everything in my power to get to that treasure.  I wasted time.  I neglected my family.  I abandoned old and new friends.  I left my “use to be” dreams up on the ground while I continued digging this hole.  I tried to change something that could not be changed.  For years I gave away my spirit to broken promises from someone who didn’t know much about life himself.  I held on to the anger, the brokenness, and tried every way to be “good enough”.

Many days were filled with fear,  sadness,  anger,  or anxiety. I forgot who I was or what my real interests in life were.  I became a clone of someone else’s desires for life instead of my own.  By doing this, I thought I was being good enough and I would finally reach those precious gifts.  Then suddenly,  one day,  after years of digging, I hit a wall,  a concrete barrier blocking me from those gifts. Crazy as it sounds, I even tried to bust through the wall with my bare hands.  It did no good.  He disappeared and took the gifts with him leaving me alone in the darkness.

Within time, I was able to climb out but only by the Grace of God.  Now I stand, out of that hole, looking at the glory around me. I see the sun shinning. I still want to glance back at the hole at times. I ponder for a moment but I am glad to be out, feeling life, breathing again, and giving my worries and dreams about life to God.  I know He will bless me with those precious gifts and I won't have to dig in those deep holes.

Stay out of the Black Holes of Life!!!