Christmas - A Time for Family

Family Time?!?
I was kind of lost as to what to write about this time around.  Naturally, everyone's busy getting ready for Christmas and everything else so who has time to read.  I have been busy as well with work and getting ready for my trip to KY to see my family.

In the last past few years, Christmas for me wasn't that great.  Perhaps it was the loneliness of being away from my own close family and trying to fit in with another family.  It wasn't quite the same and the food just wasn't as good! =) More recently, it was the stress and the saddness with my daddy and losing him, of course.  Like me, some find the holidays a bit depressing.  They are not always happy, happy, joy, joy!

As a child, there was always drama with my toxic family. Someone was angry, someone was drunk, someone was crazy.....or someone was in jail. Year after year it was the same crap.  Even now as I speak, there is a bit of sadness and drama in my family.  And just like I was as a child, I wish for everyone to get along and be happy.  I am slowly realizing that it may never be.  For my sanity check, I am also realizing that I don't have to "fix" all the relationships in my family either.  Naturally, it makes me a bit sad when I see others disappointed and upset.  However, I must realize that is the choice and the attitude that she/he has chosen.

For now, I am soooo very grateful to have my family...each and every one of them, regardless of the attitude they choose.  Having Family at Christmas should be the most important gift you receive and give this year.  It's not about the dinner, the stuff under the tree, and who did what to who ever! It's about making wonderful good memories with each other.  It's about respecting all members of your family, the good ones and the bad ones.  Life is way too short to ruin another Christmas for yourself and each other.

Enjoy Your Family at Christmas!!!

Depression

What’s depression like?
What if you were to look down into a dark black hole just to see what was there. Then you began to dig away with a big spoon. Little by little you dug and dug and dug. Then years later you begin to realize you are standing in the middle of the dark black hole. You can see the light above you shinning down on you but there seems no way out. Here you stand, feeling like an idiot, because you started the digging in the first place and now you can’t get out.

For years, that’s what my depression was like. I got distracted away from life by peering into a dark hole that I thought held some of life’s precious gifts down there, things I thought I would always dream of having. I dreamed of acceptance,  love,  a family,  and someone to love me unconditionally for life. I hung on and on while trying everything in my power to get to that treasure.  I wasted time.  I neglected my family.  I abandoned old and new friends.  I left my “use to be” dreams up on the ground while I continued digging this hole.  I tried to change something that could not be changed.  For years I gave away my spirit to broken promises from someone who didn’t know much about life himself.  I held on to the anger, the brokenness, and tried every way to be “good enough”.

Many days were filled with fear,  sadness,  anger,  or anxiety. I forgot who I was or what my real interests in life were.  I became a clone of someone else’s desires for life instead of my own.  By doing this, I thought I was being good enough and I would finally reach those precious gifts.  Then suddenly,  one day,  after years of digging, I hit a wall,  a concrete barrier blocking me from those gifts. Crazy as it sounds, I even tried to bust through the wall with my bare hands.  It did no good.  He disappeared and took the gifts with him leaving me alone in the darkness.

Within time, I was able to climb out but only by the Grace of God.  Now I stand, out of that hole, looking at the glory around me. I see the sun shinning. I still want to glance back at the hole at times. I ponder for a moment but I am glad to be out, feeling life, breathing again, and giving my worries and dreams about life to God.  I know He will bless me with those precious gifts and I won't have to dig in those deep holes.

Stay out of the Black Holes of Life!!!