Christmas - A Time for Family

Family Time?!?
I was kind of lost as to what to write about this time around.  Naturally, everyone's busy getting ready for Christmas and everything else so who has time to read.  I have been busy as well with work and getting ready for my trip to KY to see my family.

In the last past few years, Christmas for me wasn't that great.  Perhaps it was the loneliness of being away from my own close family and trying to fit in with another family.  It wasn't quite the same and the food just wasn't as good! =) More recently, it was the stress and the saddness with my daddy and losing him, of course.  Like me, some find the holidays a bit depressing.  They are not always happy, happy, joy, joy!

As a child, there was always drama with my toxic family. Someone was angry, someone was drunk, someone was crazy.....or someone was in jail. Year after year it was the same crap.  Even now as I speak, there is a bit of sadness and drama in my family.  And just like I was as a child, I wish for everyone to get along and be happy.  I am slowly realizing that it may never be.  For my sanity check, I am also realizing that I don't have to "fix" all the relationships in my family either.  Naturally, it makes me a bit sad when I see others disappointed and upset.  However, I must realize that is the choice and the attitude that she/he has chosen.

For now, I am soooo very grateful to have my family...each and every one of them, regardless of the attitude they choose.  Having Family at Christmas should be the most important gift you receive and give this year.  It's not about the dinner, the stuff under the tree, and who did what to who ever! It's about making wonderful good memories with each other.  It's about respecting all members of your family, the good ones and the bad ones.  Life is way too short to ruin another Christmas for yourself and each other.

Enjoy Your Family at Christmas!!!

Depression

What’s depression like?
What if you were to look down into a dark black hole just to see what was there. Then you began to dig away with a big spoon. Little by little you dug and dug and dug. Then years later you begin to realize you are standing in the middle of the dark black hole. You can see the light above you shinning down on you but there seems no way out. Here you stand, feeling like an idiot, because you started the digging in the first place and now you can’t get out.

For years, that’s what my depression was like. I got distracted away from life by peering into a dark hole that I thought held some of life’s precious gifts down there, things I thought I would always dream of having. I dreamed of acceptance,  love,  a family,  and someone to love me unconditionally for life. I hung on and on while trying everything in my power to get to that treasure.  I wasted time.  I neglected my family.  I abandoned old and new friends.  I left my “use to be” dreams up on the ground while I continued digging this hole.  I tried to change something that could not be changed.  For years I gave away my spirit to broken promises from someone who didn’t know much about life himself.  I held on to the anger, the brokenness, and tried every way to be “good enough”.

Many days were filled with fear,  sadness,  anger,  or anxiety. I forgot who I was or what my real interests in life were.  I became a clone of someone else’s desires for life instead of my own.  By doing this, I thought I was being good enough and I would finally reach those precious gifts.  Then suddenly,  one day,  after years of digging, I hit a wall,  a concrete barrier blocking me from those gifts. Crazy as it sounds, I even tried to bust through the wall with my bare hands.  It did no good.  He disappeared and took the gifts with him leaving me alone in the darkness.

Within time, I was able to climb out but only by the Grace of God.  Now I stand, out of that hole, looking at the glory around me. I see the sun shinning. I still want to glance back at the hole at times. I ponder for a moment but I am glad to be out, feeling life, breathing again, and giving my worries and dreams about life to God.  I know He will bless me with those precious gifts and I won't have to dig in those deep holes.

Stay out of the Black Holes of Life!!!

Powerless

Feeling Powerless?

I had almost forgotten that feeling until recently. Lately I have been running around, happy go lucky, feeling so in control. Yet an incident occured and I panicked for a moment.  That old emotion of feeling so powerless and scared quickly came back. I had forgotten the three most important steps:
1.   Accepting that I am Powerless.
2.  Remembering that there is a God.
3.  Allow Him to handle the situation.

In the past, I gave my power away so easily to others because I felt worthless and unsure of how to take care of my needs plus guilt for even wanting to.  I gave my power away by:

      Not saying NO to someone when I needed to.
     Not setting boundaries or allowed others to change my mind about my boundaries.
    Not respecting God or myself enough by allowing others to stomp on my values and needs.

When my father passed away, it felt like a rug pulled from underneath my feet. We have no power over death. God is completely in control.

It is the same regarding others.  We have no power over them. We can give and give and give for eternity but the end result is the same - we have no Power over them.  They still have the choice of liking, loving, and respecting us or just Leaving us.  We can't MAKE someone do anything, even though punching them until they do it sounds good sometimes.  :)

Thankfully I realized that God is bigger than any situation or anyone. He will always take care of my needs as long as I allow Him to.  I do this by respecting Him first and not putting others first. He will never leave me. He will never Complain about what I have or haven't done or shame me.  He loves me.  He loves You, too.

Give God your Powerlessness.

Thriller Dance

Michael still lives (sort of)!  Of course I am a MJ fan. I was thrilled that I got to participate in the Thriller dance that was offered by NASA's JSC Gilrtuth center.  We practiced every Friday for the month of October. Unfortunately I got the flu the day before our last class but I managed to "zombie" through the dance.  You can barely see me.  I am dressed in a blue shirt with black pants with shiny shoes behind the tallest zombie there.  I was going for the dead MJ zombie look. I felt weak and messed up several times but at least I did it! YAH! Here are the results:

Me as "Zombie" MJ!

Hanging with the "kids" (Amanda and Nathan).... and "chillin" with Uncle Andy!

Glowing Eyes

One early morning when I was 8, I got up and ready for school. As usual, I grabbed my trusty red flashlight while Daddy buttoned my coat and said good-bye. “Be careful and watch out for snakes.” he’d always say.

I was nervous that morning. I felt a little frightened of walking out of the holler in the pitch black darkness by myself. There were no fancy street lights in a holler. I walked slowly across the damp plank near our barn. I always loved waking the minnows and crawdads with my flashlight. I rarely saw them in the bustling creek but I searched from them anyway, as I dreaded facing the monster tree limbs of the wooded path out of the holler. Suddenly my foot slipped from the plank. My red shoe was completely soaked from the creek. Great. Now my feet would get cold!


I started down the dark wooden path as I heard my shoe squish every time I stepped on it. I began to hum some songs from the Muppet Show to keep me company from the dark.


“It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight!”


I hummed the words I didn’t know.


“It’s time to get things started on the most...hmmm...tional, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational -This is what we call the Muppet Show!” 

The more I sang, the more I recalled funny instances from the show. For a moment I was distracted, avoiding the darkness around me, then my flashlight started to dim. Oh no! The batteries are dying again. I shook and shook as the batteries rolled around inside the flashlight. For a moment the light went completely out.  There I stood frightened in the pitch black shivering nervously.  I shook the flashlight hard again but nothing happened.  I slung it and shook it again and the light came back on brightly. Yah! The batteries were new again. I started skipping down my path and hoped my journey would eventually end. It always took forever.


I finally came to where the path sloped down the hill. I had another creek to pass. It was near a place where someone had thrown their garbage away years ago on the hillside. Bottles and cans had settled with the growth of the weeds on the side of the hill. Suddenly I heard a rustling coming from the weeds. What was that noise? I stopped for a second to look around but I didn’t see anything. The weeds rustled again.  Oh my gosh, I wondered what it could be.  I hope not a snake.


I started on my path again. I whipped my flashlight across the creek to see the other side. My heart almost stopped. On the hillside across the creek, two bright glowing eyes appeared by the tree.  Snakes don't have eyes as big as these seemed to be. I couldn’t see a body, just the glowing evil eyes.

In those short moments, I stared and the eyes stared back at me.

“Oh my gosh! It’s a monster. It has to be.”

I nearly dropped my flashlight. I screamed but the eyes never moved. I refused to cross to the other side with those eyes over there.

“I am not going near those eyes.”

I screamed again and still the eyes never moved.  They stared at me with an evil glaze.  Suddenly the fear got the best of me and I began to run. My heart pounded and pounded in my chest.

“I want my Daddy. I want my Mommy.”

I felt so frightened. I suddenly realized I was going backwards towards home. I didn’t care. I was not going out of the holler with those evil eyes staring at me. On and on I ran, crying all the way.

I finally made it back home but I knew I would be in trouble for missing school. Daddy scolded me naturally. “There ain’t nothing to be scared about. You just wanted to get out of school.”

For years I think he thought I made up the story of the glowing eyes but they were real to me. So real that sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still see them glowing at me today.

Ugh….Another Year Already?

Happy Birthday to Me…. Happy Birthday to Me…..

Happy Birthday to Me…la..la..la!

In the past my birthdays generally kind of sucked. I rarely celebrated, other than with cake and stuff. Yet somehow this year feels different. It’s been almost a year since I’ve been alone and I am ok with that. The struggles of the past are out the door and gone down the road somewhere. Lately I have felt better about me and have more confidence than I have ever had in my lifetime. But the negative voices of the past still pop up and try to make me feel guilty for feeling confident as if I am so selfish. How odd that it’s ok for others to take care of themselves but not for me.

I received my Mom’s birthday card the other day and the pain struck me. The card had only my Mom’s signature of course. I was reminded that I would never again see my Daddy’s signed name on my birthday or Christmas cards. The sadness came over me once more. I started recalling the loneliness and struggles from last year. For a moment, my happiness evaporated. Just as I was about to drift down that depressing daydream, it struck me. We say “Happy” birthday not “Sad” birthday. Would Daddy really want me mourning and relishing in the sadness? Of course not! Daddy always wanted me to be careful and though he didn’t express it a lot, I know he wanted me to be happy and have the best in life. I can still hear his voice just like it was every time I called, “Hello. How are ya?” LOL!

Though he is gone, I still communicate with him and my Heavenly Father for both are watching the road ahead of me. I feel so grateful for my mom and the family I do have. It’s the little things that we seem to overlook and disregard as nothing. Each time I want to cry, I remember how great God has blessed me.

Be grateful for the little things in life!

Worthless Things

Are you like me? I'm attracted and awe at what the celebrities are wearing and doing these days. Why is that they are so attractive and entertaining to us? Plus why is that they receive $10,000 gift bags, wear ridiculous priced clothing, and are exempt from serving time when they break the law? If it’s not the celebrities I am awing at, it’s the gruesome shocking news headlines that I can’t turn away from. I find myself wasting countless hours viewing and critiquing the world when I should be spending more quality time fixing my own life.


So it didn’t amaze me at all this morning when I read “Our Daily Bread”. It was as if God was speaking right at me for He knows my morning routine of surfing the news channels to see what is happening in the world. It was from Psalm 119:31, “Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way.” It was a reminder for me to turn away from such things that I have no control over. It was a reminder to seek God’s beauty in the ugliest of the real world.

So many times I have found myself so angry about the values that are important to me now being destroyed in a society lost within its self; a society hungry for own self pleasure, freedom, and a materialism lifestyle. No longer can our children play freely in the street or even help a stranger out with loading his groceries into a car. Besides, has our children of today even heard of such things?

What happened along the way that caused such fear and such cruelty in our world? Where are we headed? IDK!  Oh, just in case you’ve forgotten, our children speak in acronyms now and can barely spell.

Yes, I could ponder and worry about the leadership of the government, the hunger and AIDS crisis in Africa, and would Kate and Jon Gosselin just disappear. Yet worrying and judging the world gets me no where. Instead, I turn my eyes away. Not to ignore the tragedies of the world but to let go. Whatever worldly issue shocks me, I let go and give it to God, for only He is BIG enough to handle the world. Believe it or not, He is still in control - just check your local weather channel and see our every changing climate in every state.

Ok…..so I’ve bored you enough for today. I know – I know – you’re going to go check out You Tube right now to go see that Lady Ga Ga video or something more entertaining, it’s ok, I understand. But regardless, in the future take some time to seek out God’s glory in ALL things and place your focus on Him for a moment. You will be amazed by His Peace.

Take Care & God Bless! 

Well, Howdy!!!

Hi!

Glad you could visit me out here in Internet Land.  Everyone in the world seems to have a boring blog these days so I thought I'd give it a try. I hope I don't bore anyone (or myself for that matter!). I just wanted to try this blogging thing out and see if anyone's interested in reading some of my thoughts.  :^)

Since this is new, I will keep it short and hopefully have better ideas for the next post.... (I hope).

Good News - I now show up in Lulu.com's search engine. Woo Hoo!  I finally published my first book last week and I am so proud to see my work out there.  How weird!  Check out my Lulu storefront and purchase or download my book {hint hint}:

http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=3834867

BTW - Congrats to my cuz, Alonzo.  He will be in the Kentucky Book Fair this November in Frankfort, Kentucky.  He is such a celeb....! Lucky! Check out his blog and his book:

http://www.classactionarticle.blogspot.com/

Well, Thanks for visiting...gotta go look like I have a life! :)

God Bless You...hope to see you next time!