i found me

Afraid of the Dark

2011-10-25T17:47:00.000-05:00

We feel what we Believe.

A lot of kids are afraid of the dark but they usually grow out. However, my mom never really did. Today she still sleeps with a night light or a lamp glowing. Sorry Mom! :) Growing up, I, too was afraid of the dark. Fortunately I could place the blame on my mom for leaving the kitchen light or lamp on all night.

I got my own room one summer for awhile when we moved to the old schoolhouse. There was a "backroom" attached to the back of the schoolhouse. It had been used as the lunchroom when the school was first built. I was happy have a room of my own.

There are no "street lights" in a holler. Only outside porch lights or a "pole light" supplied by the electric company provides a little light at night in a pitch black holler. There was a small window in my "new" bedroom. At night I would open the curtains for a little light to shine in. I felt less afraid that way.

One night I couldn't sleep and lay restless in my bed staring up at the window. After moments of staring, the curtains began to close in on their own -- much to my surprise. I quickly closed my eyes and opened them. Unlike before, the curtains remained opened as they had been.  As I continued to gaze, they appeared to be closing again. This went on for a little while even with me inspecting the curtains.  A few times the curtains seemed nearly closed all together. Each time I would get scared and hide under the covers or close my eyes. When I opened them, they would seem fine again. It took me awhile before I realized that my eyes were deceiving me. The curtains weren't closing at all but it was my perception in the dark that made them appear that way. If we stare at something for so long and become so focused, we lose sight of the things around us.

I have been living my life the same way as staring at those curtains. I become so focused, worried, and lose sight of the truth of who I am. I lose confidence in me. I tend to believe the lies and deceit that has been built up from my past.

Those negative feelings of shame, worthlessness, imperfection, alone, doubts, worry, the list could go on and on, are just lies about who we are. These lies are so convincing that many times they are the only truth we know. Sadly, they keep us in bondage. By believing or focusing are these negative feelings, we can never really live a peaceful life.

We focus on the lies of deception because it's easier that way.  We think " Its always been that way." We know what to expect, how to react, and fear trust or change. Sometimes we don't know how to even begin to change.

Believing and accepting ourselves can be hard. We have been brainwashed for so long that we now have to "re-program" our thinking. This may mean re-experiencing the pain, trauma, and negative emotions that told us the lie about ourselves to begin with. We re-experience the memories so that we can let go of the lies about ourselves. Re-experiencing trauma or painful emotions can be traumatic and should be done with a trusted source (counselor, sponsor, pastor, therapist, and/or and friend, etc.)

Letting go of all that you thought "was the truth" can be a new scary experience as well. Who will I become? Will God "really" be there fore Me? Reprogramming and letting go of hurts takes time.  It is a slow process but awareness is the key.

With help, I am hoping to stop staring at those dark curtains (lies) and believe in my abilities. May you find the truth in yourself and allow God to bring you the peace you deserve.

Fear is not of God

I Found Me just got a Fancy Upgrade!!!

2011-10-21T00:07:00.000-05:00

Howdy Friends!!!

It's the two-year anniversary of my book, I Found Me Appalachian Stories of a Lost Hillbilly Girl. I am happy to announce it is now available for iTunes and the Barnes & Nobles Nook.

Download my book for only $9.99 for your iPhone, iPad, or iPod Touch:

iTunes (iPhone, iPad, iTouch)

Not a fan of those fancy Apple products?? Really? You can also purchase it at the same low price for the Barnes & Nobles Nook:

Barnes & Noble (Nook)

If you have a Kindle or a different reader, a format for those are also available at Amazon or Lulu:

Of course, I will always be happy to mail you an autograph copy for a low price as well. Contact me at cgailfugate@gmail.com.

By the way, don't forget to leave a customer response wherever you purchase my book, I Found Me Appalachian Stories of a Lost Hillbilly Girl.

I hope you enjoy reading my hillbilly stories of growing up in the hills of Eastern KY. I am looking forward to writing more stories.

Thanks for your Support. May you be Blessed!! :)

Sweet Williams

2011-08-25T14:10:00.000-05:00

While some cities are complaining about the rain and floods, Texas would gladly pay big money to have a few thunderstorms pounce on our state. We have had record breaking temperatures these past couple of months.  The drought has been rough on our plants and wildlife. The rivers and lakes are drying up, water lines are breaking, and people's yards have holes that go to China. Is there no end?

As the sweat poured down my back the other day, something distracted me from the 110 degree heat. Amazingly I came across some beauitful purple flowers. I was surprised to see them thriving in the evening heat.  Many sweet memories of my Grandma Jean flooded my mind. The flowers resembled the Sweet Williams (or Blue Phlox - the official name) that grows in KY. It was always one of my Grandma's favorites.

Since there wasn't a lot to do in the holler, picking these and other flowers in the summertime was one of my favorite hobbies as a kid.  Many times I would put the flowers in a used jelly jar as a gift to my Mom and Grandma. Within a day the flowers would wilt and be thrown away. I didn't mind.   The summer days and those flowers seemed endless back then. I can still smell the sweetness of the flower. Some grew close to the creek. I enjoyed getting my feet wet just to pick a few. Afterwards it was hard to walk in my squeaky flip flops so I would run home in barefeet only to have my mom scold me for getting wet.

I didn't realize the specialness of the flowers until my Grandma Jean passed away in the summer of 1985.  Her passing was one of my first hardest lessons in losing someone so close. I couldn't imagine being that close to anyone again.  She always had a way of making me feel special and important since I was her first grandchild.  Being an only child, I thrived on any attention that she gave me.

Like a lot of evenings that summer, I sat on the hillside next to her grave which was just down the road from my house. It was easy to escape and share with my Grandma all of life's problems. Even though she was physically gone, I somehow knew her spirit lived on within me. Yet I was still alone. She couldn't converse back to me but I could imagine what she would say.

I looked out at the beautiful evening sunset feeling lost and alone as usual. As I did, something caught my teary eyes. There they were on the side of the hill, the beautfiul Sweet Williams flowers, growing strong within the dry leaves. From that moment I knew it was her way of conversing back to me. It was a reminder that she would be with me always. I realized how life goes on even after our loved ones pass. The flowers grow, the rain comes, the leaves fall. All of God's creations works in perfect harmony. Even though we can't see them, our loved ones remain in our spirit and in our memories. Those are the things that keeps them alive. It is our faith and hope that they have never left us.

Perhaps we live life as if the days and flowers will never end. We may ignore the beauty of the flowers and those around us.  We may become ungrateful towards life and those who mean the most to us. Sometimes we don't appreciate the special moments until there are no more special moments.

Its no secret that we are powerless over time and death. Death is just another step that we all have to take one day. What gives me hope and courage is that I will not be alone. While I would gladly pay money to have another moment with my Grandma Jean and my Daddy, I am grateful for the memories. I am grateful for the moments and the people in my life today.

Make and enjoy every memory of today.

The Response

2011-08-16T18:02:00.001-05:00

A Nation that's blinded?

Negativity, sadness, and blamelessness seem to be the mindset of many today. Just look at any TV channel or news headline. Rarely will you find good news promoted. We all seem to be at a loss on how to fix our economy, stop the war on drugs, protect our children and their future, or even stand up for our personal freedom of rights. Amazingly, we humans have conquered a lot of things...just look at our history! Many have come to the conclusion that we alone have the power to create, control, and end life. But even with all this power, we are unable to hold our very own tongue at times, forgive others, or maintain that peace within ourselves when someone has a different opinion, belief, or treats us unfairly.

Admitting that we are powerless and refocusing is usually the first step with anything. The Response was that stepping stone. Seeing this nation in its current turmoil, this wonderful gathering happened, Saturday, August 6th, 2011, which made an impact on my life that shall never be erased. No words, no video, no testimony can explain the Spirit that was felt that day.

This all day free event was held at the Reliant Stadium in Houston which brought together people from all walks of life, from different races, cultures, ages, political views, and denominations, praying compassionately to our Heavenly Father for the state of our nation and our world.

Yet with every positive step there will also be naysayers or those who may not understand. The weeks leading up to the event, the media fueled the fire with a negative outlook mainly because the Texas Governor, Rick Perry, called out for such a day of praying and fasting for the state of our world. Many judged the gathering a discriminating failure before it even got started since only 8,000 people had registered.

As any believer will tell you though, our faith, hope, and determination relies not on mankind and his judgement of the future. We believe in God, a Power bigger than anything on Earth. We believe that any and all things are possible with Him. We believe in peace and forgiveness. His Power was truly felt that day. For many of us, myself included, The Response was a dream, a prayer, and an inspiration that had been in our hearts for many years.

This was not an event to promote a politician, a band or celebrity, a church leader, a ministry, or any denomination. In fact, no announcement was made of the lineup or even the process that was to take place at the event. There were no flyers, no CDs/DVDs, no books, no posters, no shirts – no keepsakes for sale. Only a small agenda listing 4 prayer segments was passed out by an assortment of volunteers.

People simply only knew to follow their heart, visit the stadium if they wished seeking prayer for the nation. Whatever the case, the people followed through...

Over 35,0000 people responded and followed their heart to Reliant Stadium that Saturday. Many fasted. Others volunteered. Some stayed the entire day of prayer while others stayed for a few hours. Some came from Houston and the local areas. Others had traveled as far as Maine, Mississippi, Georgia and New Hampshire. Over 1,300 web telecasts from the nation and around the world were tuned in to pray as well.

Overwhelming joy and compassion filled me as I looked out across the diverse crowd. From Pentecostal to bikers with leather jackets, no one could miss the wide range of ages, races, and cultures crying out to God in one place. By the end of the day, the emotion that had filled the Stadium brought many to tears.

The time had come to leave the Spirit-filled place and return the world. Yet we were taking with us the experience to share with others and prayers for future gatherings. As I returned home that Saturday, I was sadly reminded of the negativity once again. The news media gladly showed a small set of protesters at the event, none of which I had seen on my end. There were no good news or positive reports of what I had just experienced. Was this nation blind or had it all been just a dream to me?

Like any toxic relationship, we subconsciously love negativity. Positive stuff is just too boring. The same goes for our society. We have turned into a self-righteous and self-loathing type of people. We moan over our own or the nation’s problems. If we are not moaning, we escape into a lost world surrounded by the latest and greatest materialistic items. Society has taught us to continue to be ungrateful and fulfill our own personal needs. We have become insensitive and selfish to the world around us.

We unconsciously idolize and lose our own self-worth through celebrities, sport stars and teams, and public figures like our politicians. Sadly, we are teaching our children this same lifestyle. The new generation is becoming a self-centered with a blameless and insensitive attitude towards others and the world. What’s worse is that We, as nation, are blind or ignore it all....

...So what's Your Response? Whatever happened on that Saturday should not be forgotten and misinterpreted. This should only be the beginning for positive changes. May others Seek compassion for our great nation.

May you be Blessed to Respond.

Voyage to the Sun Blog

2011-06-22T16:47:00.001-05:00

Check out my bucket list blog:

http://voyagetothesun.blogspot.com/

My Uncle Gobel

2011-06-16T19:19:00.000-05:00

Since my dad's passing in 2008, Father's Day naturally has been a little depressing to me. I'd give anything to still be sending him gifts and cards. However, the month of June also reminds me of another blessing that I still have, Daddy's oldest brother, my Uncle Gobel, whose birthday is this month. Named after his father, Gobel Fugate, (brother of George "Do-I" Fugate), he will always remain "Uncle Jr." to me.

Look up the words humble and selflessness in the dictionary and you are liable to see a picture of my Uncle Gobel in there. Even as a child, I was always drawn to Uncle Jr.'s passive and gentle nature. He has a quality that cannot be duplicated or imagined. One of my earliest memories was seeing him working and digging tators in the hot sun on his Uncle George's farm. Even at 6 years old, my sudden instinct was to immediately to go help Uncle Jr. dig tators.

He may seem like a man of little words and experience but this wasn't always the case in his younger years! He use to work and party with his aunt Dora Campbell and her brother General Lee when they moved to Chicago. His younger brothers soon followed in his footsteps to find work there as well. My uncles enjoyed partying as well on their days off but then, kids came along! One to rarely ever say no, it was then that Uncle Jr. became the "designated" babysitter a lot of the times! I can't imagine the hell my cousin Alonzo and I must have put him through. He wouldn't even stomp a bug so there's no way he scolded us.

The good times in Chicago didn't last very long though. His Uncle George ("Do-I") got sick and was unable to take care of the farm. Being the "single" one, Uncle Jr. agreed to move back to KY and help out on the farm on Fugate's Fork. What was to be a "temporary" stay, turned into over 10 years of Uncle Jr. working as a farmhand for his Uncle George, George's sister, Laura, and her husband, Garvey. He never married, never had children, or got another job after that. His life was surrounded by the duties on the farm until Uncle George's passing in 1985. It wasn't until then when he moved off the farm and eventually got his own place.

His life is a real example of selflessness. From him, I have also seen how giving and caring too much (co-dependent) can also be a curse at times. For years, Daddy struggled to protect and warn his older brother from those who wanted to take advantage him. Many times, Daddy would "kidnap" his older brother from the farm so they could go have a good time. :^) Yet Uncle Jr. is a smart man, full of kindness and good heart. He loved his family, the farm, and he loved my daddy very much. He always returned to his home on Fugate's Fork.

Sadly, I rarely get to see my Uncle "Jun" since I don't live close by but we still manage to talk on occasions. He's very independent and active even though he currently lives in the nursing home in Jackson, KY. His generosity is still there as he helps the nurses with the other patients. :^) Yet no matter what, I know his heart belongs to Fugate's Fork and his family. It brings joy and brightens his heart each time he goes back there, just as it does mine. Home is where your Heart is.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Jr.

I love you VERY Much!!!

Missing the School Bus

2011-06-08T18:26:00.000-05:00

When I was growing up, we rarely ever owned a vehicle. So the school bus was my only transportation for getting to school. Catching the bus was one task I dreaded. Unfortunately for me, we lived in an area, around South Fork in Jackson, KY, where the school bus was unable to drive near our house. So naturally I had to walk almost 2 miles out of the holler to catch the bus. The journey out always seemed longer than usual on those bitter cold winter mornings plus the bus took forever to arrive. Since I was the only one at my bus stop, I would usually skip and jump around to fight the cold. I couldn’t wait to climb aboard to the warmth of the bus. It was actually a joy to finally see the bus coming.

Climbing aboard the bus and seeing all the strange eyes glare at you was like being onstage naked in front of hundreds of people. Nervously I would walk down the isle hoping to find an empty seat.

I had been warned early on to avoid the back seats of the bus. The so-called “bad” people sat back there. Many of the “high schoolers” loved to sneak on their smokes plus bully and frighten the younger kids. I had a chance to see the damage they did to the back seats a few times when I had no alternative but to sit back there. My experience was a little terrifying. The seats had been cut and ripped up plus there were a few cigarette burns. I nervously sat in my seat refusing to look or speak to anyone. A couple of bratty boys who were a year or two older than me stuck their pencils through the crack of my seat and jabbed me. I avoided the back at all costs after that incident.

Most mornings it was a struggle to find a seat as many of the kids were reluctant to share theirs. They would quickly scoot to the edge so you would not able to sit down. In addition, the grouchy school bus driver would yell at you for standing up too long. A lot of the times I sat on the edge of a seat forcing some kid smaller than me to scoot over. Thankfully our bus wasn’t as crowded as other school buses that ran on South Fork. Quite a few of the kids on those buses had to stand up throughout the entire ride to school.

For anyone that went to school in Eastern KY, you know the excitement of snow days. It was those happy occasions when school was either canceled or released early because of the bad weather. It was exciting to listen to the radio waiting for Breathitt County schools to be announced. When it was, I cared less about the other nearby counties and snuggled back to bed.

There were a few rare occasions when the school let us leave early if the weather got too bad. Yet it was important to pay attention to the announcements on the school’s intercom as they would announce the bus numbers departing. This called for a little more responsibility for a 3rd grader like me at the time. Being the lonely dreamer lost in my own pretend little world, I happen to miss my bus home the day our school got out early. It was a scary experience that I remember all to well and had always feared.

That morning started off similar like all other school days. Once Daddy woke me, I whined and got ready while he listened to the radio for the weather. Mommy gently snored away unaware that I was up or that it was even morning. She had spent most of the night eating popcorn and watching TV. I knew this very well because my bed was only a couple of feet away from my parents’ bed.

Since we lived in a small 3 room house, our bedroom was also our living room. On school nights, my set bedtime was 8 p.m. plus I wasn’t allowed to turn over while Mommy watched TV. I hated it because all the good TV shows came on after 8 p.m. Many times I slept half way on my side and back, pretending to be asleep, especially on those nights when Taxi came on. As usual, Mommy would catch me with my eyes half way open and make me turn all the way over to face the wall. It was hard to go to sleep with the flickering of the TV screen on the wall.

I dragged along that cold morning while Daddy listened for the school closures. As the closure announcements were made, unfortunately Breathitt County was not on the list. As always, Daddy pushed me off to school as I irritably stomped out the door with my books. The weather was so cold, wet, and just plain yucky. I angrily trudged along the broken muddy path during my hike out to the South Fork highway. I took most of my anger out on the semi-frozen mud puddles. Seeing the ice break like glass underneath my muddy boots made me happy.

Like always, the school bus took forever. I climbed aboard yet I didn’t have to struggle for a seat as many had stayed home. Finally I could have a seat all to myself. As my nose and hands began to thaw, I suddenly saw snow flakes begin to fall outside the school bus window. I had wished school had been canceled like the other counties. It just didn’t seem fair. By the time we reached my school, LBJ, the ground was almost white with the fresh snow.

I had not been in class very long, when all of us 3rd graders were squirming and talking about the snow. Like everyone else, I wondered if we would get to go home early. The teacher, Miss Turner, tried to quiet the class while she impatiently called the role. It seemed like a long process since many of the students were missing.

We had not been at school for very long when the early bus departure announcements soon began. Wow! I was surprised. Every few minutes, bus numbers were called out. Yet I was disheartened when I didn’t hear mine announced. Then I began to wonder and doubt what bus number I even rode. Is it bus 23 or 32?

Soon we lined up for breakfast. Yet I couldn’t think about food at a time like this. I was so distraught and nervous about my bus being called that my stomach started to ache. Two more buses were announced by the time we entered the lunch room.

One of the odd amenities at LBJ was having the lunch room shared with the gym. Unfortunately the intercom in the gym didn’t work very well. The voice over the intercom reminded me of the teacher on Charlie Brown. It was nearly impossible to understand what was being said.

Like always, I stared at the painting above the bleachers on the one side of the wall. The blonde-headed girl in painting provided the written blessing over our food: “God is Great...God is Good..And we Thank Him for our Food. Amen.”

The other side of the gym included a small stage with heavy orange curtains representing our school color and our team, the Cowboys. Large lunch tables with connected bench seats ran vertically across the gym floor. Behind the gym we gathered our tray and lined up for breakfast. There wasn’t an option to pick the food you wanted. You simply got whatever the lunch lady gave you and you had to drink your milk as ordered by the teacher. I don’t remember anyone being “lactose” intolerant back then. If so, I would have claim to be as I hated milk!

For those students who didn’t receive “free” lunches, a few brought their cute lunch boxes that had popular 70’s characters like Wonder Woman, Superman, the Hulk, or Charlie’s Angels on them. I used to dream of having my own lunch box. I even asked my mom if I could get one but naturally she said no since my lunches were free.

Before long we were sitting down and picking away at our breakfast. The older kids sat in a far distance from us 3rd graders. As usual, laughter and chattering was everywhere. There were a few announcements made over the intercom yet it was impossible to hear any of them. I was distracted by the noise nearby.

A bus announcement came over the intercom once again but it was so muffled and low that I could barely make out any of the bus numbers called. I began to see kids get up and take their tray away. Some were my age but most of them looked a little older.

Suddenly I saw two or three older girls who looked like they rode my bus, get up and leave. Was it a coincidence or did my bus get called? I began to wonder. Maybe they were just done eating. Should I go? What if it’s not my bus and I get into trouble for leaving? What if it is my bus and I miss it? I tried to ask a couple of kids what bus was called. They didn’t know or even seem to care. I looked around for my teacher, Miss Turner. I could she was busy eating breakfast with the other school teachers and seemed content being away from us students. I wanted to go ask her about the buses called yet my fear kept me frozen to my seat.

A few more buses were called and I saw a lot more students getting up to leave. I recognized quite a few of them as they were my 3rd cousins who lived on South Fork a bit farther up above the road from me. Their bus was one of the overcrowded ones. I suddenly got scared again. If their bus had been called then it was probably my bus that had just left earlier. Oh no! My stomach grumbled with fear and hunger. I felt my eyes begin to water. Yet the voice in my head kept trying to convince me that my bus wasn’t called.

“Nah! It probably wasn’t your bus. I really don’t think they called it yet. Besides, there were a lot more people than that who were on the bus. But then, there were some high schoolers on the bus. Oh no! Nah…I bet the bus hasn’t been called but then…”

My mind debated back and forth even as Miss Turner lined us up to empty our trays. The others around me giggled and chattered happily away. I suppose I would giggle too if I hadn’t missed my bus. My happiness about getting to go home was so distracted by my fear. In my mind, I was almost convinced that I had missed the bus but I had to stay calm. What do they do to a person who misses the bus? Do you get in trouble? How would I get home? Would I have to stay at school all night until the buses ran again?

One of my big fantasies as a child was dreaming of spending the night in the school. I loved the thought of writing on the chalkboard in every classroom, playing with the duplex machine that made those stinky purple lettered copies, exploring art class, and hopes of finding all the cookies in lunchroom. What fun I thought it would be! However, the thought of spending the night at school seemed too real and scary to me at the moment.

Since my parents didn’t have a car or phone, I had no idea who or how to contact someone. In fact, there weren’t many people in my family who did have a phone. Even if they did, I had no idea what their phone number was.

As the morning grew later, our classroom was almost empty. Miss Turner sat quietly as the other students and I sat coloring. By now nearly all the school buses had been called. The only students remaining were those waiting for their parents to pick them up. Finally I got enough nerve up to approach Miss Turner about my bus since there were hardly any students to be embarrassed in front of.

I shyly approached her. “Miss Turner, I don’t know if they ever called my bus or not. I think I am bus 32.”

She paused and looked at me. “Doesn’t bus 32 run up South Fork? Is that where you live?” she asked.

I embarrassingly nodded my head. Then she yelled to the teacher in the next complex about Bus 32. I heard the teacher mumble something as Miss Turner went to approach her.

I tried to convince myself that I hadn’t missed the bus. I denied, denied, denied so I could stay calm. Then the voice came again. “You dummy! Of course you missed your bus. There is no one left in the school but the teachers and you. Boy, are you going to get it!”

I could hear Miss Turner and the other teacher blabbing and complaining. They seemed to talk forever. By the time Miss Turner returned, the other students had left with their parents, leaving me the only student left in the entire complex. Miss Turner didn’t look happy as she probably wanted to go home herself.

“Honey, Bus 32 left this morning. We’ll have to go call your parents, ok.” she stated.

Suddenly my hands nervously shook and my eyes watered up. “See, I told you, Dummy!” the voice said.

She gathered her things and took my hand as we headed to the front office. I tried to tell her that my parents didn’t have a phone or car but she seemed uninterested. Before I knew it, she left me at the main office as she talked with the secretary. The secretary didn’t look too pleased either.

Within minutes both were talking to the principal while I nervously stood outside his office. My nose started running from tearing up. As usual I rarely had tissues in my pockets. My knitted gloves and hat came in handy during these times. Thoughts raced across my mind. How will I ever get home? Would Mommy and Daddy spank me? Will I finally get to see that electric paddle the principal had? South Fork didn’t seem too terrible far from the school. I am sure I could walk back home.

Before long both the secretary and Miss Turner were leaving. They said good bye to the principal and headed their way. More fear struck me. I AM stuck here in this school by myself. I bet the principal does have that electric paddle. Now I’m going to get it!

He called me into his office while he fumbled through some papers. He repeated my name a few times, “Crystal Fugate. Crystal Gail Fugate. That’s your name ain’t it?” he gently smiled. I simply nodded feeling afraid to speak. He then began to make a phone call but apparently didn’t get an answer.

“Are you any kin to Oscar Fugate?” he finally asked. What a relief I thought! Uncle Oscar was Daddy’s baby brother. He had graduated from high school just a year or so earlier.

“Yes. He’s my uncle.” I answered quickly afraid that he might still be thinking of paddling me with that hidden electric paddle.

It was quiet for a moment and he fumbled through stuff then he stated, “Yep. I know Oscar. He’s a good ‘ole boy. I had him in a few of my classes.”

I didn’t know what to say. I thought he was a principal not a teacher. In any case, I was glad he knew Uncle Oscar and he liked him. Although he wasn’t a big talker, I loved my Uncle Oscar because he seemed so cool! I thought it was neat that we both were in school at the same time even if he was a lot older than me. Plus Uncle Oscar was well liked by many of the girls that lived near our holler on Big Branch. I was so proud to have such a handsome uncle.

“You live on South Fork? Do you live next to Oscar?” he asked.

“Yes.” I stated.

Soon he was getting his keys and gathering his stuff. I was hoping that he was taking me home but I couldn’t be too sure. I was afraid to ask.

“Come on. I’ll drive you up South Fork.” he motioned for me out the door. Whew! What a relief! I couldn’t wait to get home and so thankful that I didn’t get a paddling.

The drive seemed long and quiet even though my bus stop on South Fork was only 15 or 20 minutes away from the LBJ School. His cigar smoke filled the car and I thought I would choke. Yet I sat quiet and stared out the window. Hopefully the ride would be over soon. I was surprised that it had stopped snowing but who cared. School was out!

I felt a sigh of relief once we turned up on South Fork. My bus stop was the first dirt road on the left.

“I live up here on Big Branch.” I reminded him hoping he wouldn’t forget to stop.

“Ole Big Branch.” He pondered. “You got a long walk ahead of you.”

He stopped to let me out. As he did, he pulled out a couple of Dum Dum suckers out of his pocket.

“Here you go. You be careful now and don’t miss the bus again.” he smiled as I got out of the car.

Afterwards I thought it was so cool that I got a ride from the principal. He actually knew me and my Uncle Oscar. I felt so privileged. As I skipped up the holler I felt so thankful to be going home. I was sure my parents would be happy to see me as well. I didn’t fear any paddling for the principal brought me home! I was special indeed.

Not long before I made it home, I pulled out the sucker that he had given me. What a treat! I skipped along with the sucker in my mouth. Oh happy day! I was out of school, had a sucker, and could play all day at home.

Daddy was sitting on the front porch looking down the holler when I arrived. He had been listening to the radio and heard school had been out hours ago. I came running up the pathway to the house. As I reached the porch, I could see he had a worried look on his face. My happiness soon turned to fear.

“What’s that in your mouth?” he asked which I thought was a dumb question. Obviously he could see it was a sucker.

“What’d I tell you about walking and eating suckers at the same time?” he questioned angrily.

I was shocked. Daddy rarely got angry at me but he seemed more angry about the sucker than about me being late. Soon I remembered his one rule about not walking with suckers in my mouth. Like me, he had fears too. He was always afraid that I would fall and choke to death. I regretted having eaten the sucker on the way home. I got a swaddling for that one and that incident stayed in my mind for years.

Of course I got a lecture from him and my mom about “paying attention” or something like that. Who knows? I don’t remember and wasn’t paying attention! I was just happy that I didn’t have to spend the night at school!

One more day...

2011-05-16T18:11:00.000-05:00

If I had just one more day to share with you, I'd give up almost anything to be by your side.
Just one more hour to hold your hand,
One more minute to tell you how much you mean to me.
One more second to see the sparkle in your eye.

If I had just one more day to be with you, I'd let go of my fears and anguish.
Just one more hour to grab another story from you.
One more minute to hear your laughter.
One more second to see you smile.

If I had just one more day to be with you, how grateful I'd truly feel.
Just one more hour to gain a bit of wisdom from you.
One more minute to let you know I care.
One more second to share an everlasting embrace.

The days are fleeting fast before me like a blink of an eye.
As time waits for no one to say their last goodbyes.
He leads them to that other side where we cannot see
We cannot reach, we cannot be until He's called us there.

For now, I will remain thankful for that last moment,
That last laughter, that last bit of happy life we use to share,
Knowing we will get that one more day, one more hour,
in the place where time stands still forever more.
~ Crystal Fugate (5/16/2011)

There is never enough time to say goodbye or prepare us for the loss of those who mean so much to us. Every day should be a new beginning with those we care about. Take advantage of the moment, the feeling to say, to be, and to live for today. We never know what tomorrow may bring nor can we see God's expiration dates on our lives. Yet we can be grateful for every hour and every second we share with one another.

Experience Today!

Take It Easy...

2011-05-05T12:30:00.000-05:00

These past few weeks have been really stressful for me. Losing a close friend, struggling with classes and work, the worries of world and trying to keep up with other personal stuff in my life has brought me back to that place full of anxiety. It's that place where I try to carry everything upon my shoulders while pushing God aside. With so much going on in our society, I make up in my mind that He doesn't have time for me. I assume my needy little prayers are so insignificant compared to the issues of others.

This is exactly how I felt today! :^)
My mom with her grandpa,
Wayne Back (Bach). It's great to know God's
there when we cry like babies!

After sniffling over my troubles this morning, I remembered my handy little chart posted by my desk. My chart has a list of those negative remarks that so often pop in my head. I also have scripture and positive reinforcements listed against those negative remarks. My favorite this morning was Hewbrews 13:5 which states I will never leave you nor forsake you. Regardless of the troubles of the world, God has promised to always be there even when others disapppoint us or are not there. He comforts us when we are scared, unsure of life, and even frightened of answered prayers.

A few weeks ago my cousin Teresa shared with me of photos of my mom from years ago hanging with her cousins, Charles, John, and Bob Fugate. How simple life seemed to be as a child with no responsibilities. Yet everyone seems to have struggles and responsibilities. Wouldn't it be nice to just chill out in the wagon and let God pull it for awhile?

My mom hanging with her cousins,
Charles, John, and Bob Fugate

Blogging my struggles and getting refocused in His Word reminded me of chilling in that wagon. The worries of my finals, family, friends, and the weight of the world is now in His Hands to carry. He can do a better job than I can. :^) God Bless!

May your worries and struggles be lifted into His Hands.

Happy Mom's Day to My Mommy,

Patricia Colleen Fugate!

Heartbreak

2011-04-18T15:59:00.000-05:00

Remembering a Great Friend - Thad Tranbarger
On Friday morning (4/15/11) I received the shocking news that my good friend & co-worker, Thad Tranbarger had passed away from a massive heart attack the night before. For a moment I thought it was a joke as Thad always brought his goofiness and laughter to work. I was devastated and heart broken when I realized the truth. We had worked together for 7 years. What's weird is that we were just goofing off the day before and he seemed just fine. He was only 47 years old and had gotten back on track of eating healthy. How could this happen? I was and am still in a bit of a shock.

I remember that Thursday I asked his advice (as usual) on my degree plans. His advice was to get a degree in what I loved the most regardless of the pay. He said he wanted to be a chef! He always encouraged me to go for what I loved the most no matter what - to live life to the fullest; to never regret and take time to really enjoy life. Even though I never met his wife, he had such joy when he talked about their relationship. I admired that they did so many things together. He provided her with so much support and loved spending time with his granddaughters. I can't imagine their little hearts breaking.

Thad's joke backfired on him on this day! LOL

Going through this loss reminds me of a little of losing my Grandma Jean and Dad all over again. Thad had a quality similar to theirs. He brought sunshine and laughter into our office and always had a positive outlook about life. Thad was like having a big brother at work. He loved to joke around but help people out at the same time.

Coming to work, a strange emptiness surrounds us now. You struggle to be strong and deal with the pain, to move on. But we are not robots and we have emotions. For some, it's easy to share feelings while others tuck their emotions away to hid the pain, to be stronger. For me, remembering his joy and his laughter helps ease the pain.

This was our nut ball - Thad!
He would kill me for posting this!

This is life....full of new beginnings and losses. What I hope to learn from this loss is to not be afraid of Life or Death. To take Thad's advice and live life - to enjoy every moment, every person, every pain, every joy, and yes, even sorrow, for God has the Plan, not us. All He asks is for us to Trust and Believe in Him and His Plan.

Enjoy this Moment as if it were your last....

We Love & Miss You, Thad. PCS will never ever be the same :^(

Determined to be Positive by Giving Back

2011-03-30T18:23:00.019-05:00

I have a close friend who has been enduring breast cancer for the last year. I’ve seen her strength from within as she struggles with a new body image and the side effects of the chemo treatment pills. The chemo pills can be like an evil friend. They are the magic beans that help her body fight off the cancer cells but they also drag her down. Every day she tolerates the sickness from the chemo. What amazes me more is that the breast cancer is just another battle to her as she has fought many in her lifetime. I often wonder where her strength comes from and how she maintains the fight. Much of her strength comes from knowing that God provides her with the courage to keep going. The other half is just pure stubbornness and determination. I wish I had even a 3rd of her strength and courage.

After seeing the devastion of Japan's tsunami and being reminded constantly of our country's downward spiral, I find myself easliy drawn to the depression and anxiety like a magnet. Just like the blackness from the tsumani enveloping Japan, so too, the depression creeps up on me like a monster, destroying everything in its path.

Regardless of who you are, battles in life are never ending. Natural diasters like the tsunami and battles with health like cancer don't discriminate. Jobs are lost and our loved ones pass on. In an instant, lives can be changed and we are reminded that we are powerless.

During these trying times, I lean even more towards that Heavenly Power, remembering that He is still in control. Even though some days seem a bit trying, I can still have Hope knowing tough times do not last forever. God still is and remains in Control even when our world seems out of control.

When I see what my friend is enduring, I can draw from her strength. Being around positive and strong willed people influences me. They brighten my mood and encourage hope. I remind myself that anything is possible if it's God's will. I continue to lean on that understanding and search out encouraging forces.

Not long ago, one of my friends shared with me about her aggravation at a McDonald's drive-thru. The customer ahead of her was taking forever! She and her daughter was growing angry and inpatient. Finally their turn came and the cashier explained that her order was free. The person ahead of her had just paid for their breakfast! Small things like that impact lives, our children, and reminds me how giving can be like a domino effect. Regardless of whats going on, kindness and giving back brings hope back into our lives and others. It causes positive changes.

Through the struggles, I continue to remind myself of the blessings I do have. I enjoy giving back all that I can. Spending time with people, volunteering, and praying for a total stranger can make a huge difference in your mood. Like my friend, we have to be determined and stubborn to stay positive in a selfish world. We can make a difference in other people's lives.

Ways to Help:

Volunteer or visit those in nursing homes and hospitals
Buy a strangers lunch
Help a neighbor
American Red Cross
ASPCA
National Breast Cancer Foundation
United Way

* May your World be brighter within regardless of your surroundings & situation. *

Weighing In by Liz Curtis Higgs

2011-03-01T22:54:00.000-06:00

My friend Kirsten sent me this interesting article from Liz. This is something all of us women can relate to - weighing in on our appearance. I look forward to reading more of Liz's books.

Weighing In

It's important to remember than God accepts us just as we are. Seeking His Guidance for our lives should be more important that any diet or rules from society. We are not conformed by what society tells us who we are but by who God Says we are.

http://www.lizcurtishiggs.com/

Liz Curtis Higgs Facebook Page

What's in Your Head? (Revised)

2011-03-01T11:01:00.000-06:00

{Revised for Article}

I have never been that great at math. I suppose I just didn’t “get” it. Fortunately, my dad, who couldn’t read, was a math wiz. My fondest educational memory was my 5th grade year when he sat down and drilled me on my multiplication. He drew a multiplication table from my 1’s to my 12’s. I memorized them all. My parents then bought me a “Mr. Professor” calculator for Christmas. At first I was thrilled to have a calculator until I realized that Mr. Professor wasn’t a calculator at all but filled with math problem games. In any case, these tools helped me do well in math for awhile.

I remember feeling so proud and excited the day I passed a math multiplication test. However, some of my classmates and the teacher were aware that I didn’t do well in math. One girl even accused me of cheating from her test and told the teacher. Even though I knew the truth, I couldn’t convince her or the teacher that my dad had helped me. I felt as if they wanted me to continue to fail. Eventually my math skills started falling once again as their negativity towards me got “inside” my head.

I've been meaning to write this article for awhile now but just like that incident, the negative thinking gets the better of me. With the negativity “inside” my head, I can’t accomplish much of what I really want to do. Those phrases like, "Who cares what you have to say?" or "You're really not that good." seem to hold me back. Actually those sayings are pretty friendly compared to a lot of the negative opinions I sometimes have towards myself.

I endured a great deal of verbal abuse in my past. Though I am no longer in the situations of being attacked verbally, those weapons from the abuse are still lodged inside my head. Getting them out of my head is not an easy task. Some weapons have been lodged in there for many years. Yet I am determined to get them out someday.

Having a negative attitude and thinking negatively can feel almost like an attack to your own self. Like the people of my past, I “lie” to myself by stealing my self-confidence and believing that I am not good enough. So how do you defend yourself from…um.....your Self??

For me, awareness is the key. There are those around us and even our own selves, who can steal our joy or bring us down, which may not be intentional. However that negative atmosphere can cause us to lose the confidence in ourselves or even the world around us. However, just by being “aware” that is happening helps us to see with clearer eyes.

A lot of times I may not take notice of the "inner" me - what I am really feeling. I can start feeling angry, bitter, and complain a lot. The sadness, numbness, or just the refusal to "feel" anything may set in. When I feel worthless, out of control, or refuse to "feel" anything at all, that's a hint that the ghosts from my past are haunting my spirit once again. I have allowed “something” to steal my happiness.

The sweet thing about awareness is realizing that we have choice. I can choose to let the past control my future and fall into the same routine of being ugly towards myself. Or I can choose to change my thinking and fight back. I can choose to believe positive things towards myself such as "I am enough. I don't have to be perfect." I can choose to dwell on the positives of life by being grateful for every little aspect of my life. Unlike my past, I can choose to associate with friends and family who have a positive impact in my life. Or I can be stubborn, like I am most days, and isolate myself. Regardless, I can choose my battles.

I use to believe and was lead to believe that I didn't have choices. Like many others in toxic relationships and addictive families, we choose to keep things "calm" on the home front. We give up our confidence, feelings, needs, and wants just so that there is no trouble stirred up. Amazingly, we bury those feelings so deep down within that we forget who we are, what we feel, and even what we want. Unfortunately, one of the worst parts about this behavior is that it’s like the gift {pain} that keeps on giving. Verbal abuse, as with any abuse or negative pattern, can continue on within the family unless someone chooses to change the pattern.

Change can be easy but the willingness to change is the hard part. We can take comfort though in knowing that we don't have to take on this battle alone. That willingness part comes from realizing that we can't conquer those demons without God's help. When we are willing and ready, God will provide the courage, determination, patience, and other stuff we need to change our destructive patterns. All we have to do is ask for His Help. Remember to think about what you are thinking about by practicing.

Info about Codependency (http://www.coda.org/)

Info about Alanon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html)

Negative Thinking + An Unwillingness to Change = Negative Results

Whats in Your Head?

2011-02-23T23:39:00.000-06:00

Verbal Abuse - The attack that keeps on attacking.
I've been meaning to write this entry for awhile now but unfortunately, my negative thinking gets in the way of me accomplishing much of what I really want to do. On many occasions, the negative thoughts pop up in my head almost like an attack with phrases like, "Who cares what you have to say?" or "You're really not that good." Actually those sayings are pretty friendly compared to a lot of the negative opinions I sometimes have towards myself. In the past, I endured a lot of verbal abuse. Even though I am removed from those negative situations of being verbal attacked, those weapons from the verbal abuse are still lodged within my head. Getting them out of my head is not an easy task. Some weapons have been lodged in there for many years. Yet I am determined to get them out someday.

Having a negative attitude and thinking negatively can feel almost like an attack to your own self. So how do you defend yourself from…um.....your Self?? For me, awareness is key. A lot of times I may not take notice of the "inner" me. I can start feeling angry, bitter at times, and complain a lot. Then the sadness, numbness, or just the refusal to "feel" anything may set in. When I feel worthless, out of control, or refuse to "feel" anything at all, that's a hint that the ghosts from my past are haunting my spirit once again.

The sweet thing about awareness is realizing that we have choice. I can choose to let the past control my future and fall into the same routine. Or I can choose to change my thinking and fight back. I can choose postive phrases like, "I am enough. I don't have to be perfect." I can dwell on the positives of life. Being grateful. I can choose to associate with friends and family who have a positive impact in my life. Or I can be stubborn, like I am most days, and isolate myself. Regardless, I can choose my battles.

In the past, I believed and was lead to believe that I didn't have a choice. Like others in toxic relationships and addictive families, we choose to keep things "calm" on the homefront. We give up our feelings, needs, and wants just so there is no trouble stirred up. Amazingly, we bury those feelings so deep down within that we forget who we are, what we feel, and even what we want. Unfortunately, one of the worst parts about verbal abuse, as with any abuse, is that its like the gift {pain} that keeps on giving. That negative pattern can continue on within the family unless someone chooses to change the pattern.

Change can be easy but the willingness to change is the hard part. We can take comfort though in knowing that we don't have to take on this battle alone. That willingness part comes from realizing that we can't conquer those demons without God's help. When we are willing and ready, God will provide the courage, determination, patience, and other stuff we need to change our destructive patterns. All we have to do is ask for His Help. Practice makes perfect, think about what you are thinking about.

Info about Codependency

Info about Alanon

Negative Thinking + An Unwillingness to Change = Negative Results

As Ethan would say "...Check your self before you wreck yourself." :^) (from the movie, Due Date)

Proverbs 19:27

2011-01-20T13:59:00.000-06:00

Does this sound kind of like you...

...reading bible scriptures or even attempting to read the bible in a year seems kind of boooorrring? My church, Grace Community, recently gave out a calendar planner with daily scripture reading assignments to read the bible in a year. I decided to try the challenge even if don't complete the planner, besides the daily readings seemed small and easy to finish.

Incidentally, I am practically an OCD (over-compulsive) and goal-oriented kind of person. I have to make daily task checklists just to keep my head on straight and I have even started a "bucket list" for life goals. I thought reading the whole bible in a year would be a neat thing to add to that list. So I added the scripture readings to my morning routine of working out on the treadmill. As you might be able to tell, I don't have much of a "life"! Things are on "my" schedule for now. I am sure that if I am blessed to have kids (which is also on my bucket list), things will total change and I will only be "dreaming" of this lifestyle!

Turns out this scripture reading is not as easy as I thought. Sure we can glance at the scriptures, quickly read them, and "check" them off our list. Yet is that really "reading" the bible? Ah, for me it was. So I have made it nearly half-way through Genesis, half-way through Matthew, and some of Psalms and Proverbs. By the way, I have those sticky tabs to quickly find the books of the Bible, otherwise I would still be searching for Psalms and Proverbs! One by one I gleefully checked off the scriptures on my little planner….until……the other morning.

As usual, I tried to stay awake on the treadmill as I easily read through the Genesis and Matthew assignments. Those were easy and most of them were stories I had heard before anyway. I was nearly done with the Proverbs assignment when the scripture just jumped out at me. I felt as if God had been over my shoulder the whole time then shook me with this scripture:

²⁷ Stop listening to instructions, my child,
and you will stray from the words of knowledge.

Proverbs 19:27 (NIV version)

Wow! I had to look around to make sure it wasn’t a joke. God basically told me to “pay attention” to what I was reading. I never knew that the Bible could really speak to us in such “plain” English. I had been ignoring all the little Proverb sayings which sounded like cheesy bookmark sayings to me until God woke me up that morning. That’s exactly what I need from God sometimes – just tell me in plain English! Lol

Having checklists and bucket lists can be helpful, but if the task we are doing doesn’t mean anything, then what’s the point? Do you care more about the checkmark or the task itself? I still plan to complete the challenge but I won't fret if I don't get a "checkmark" for the day. The learning of the lesson is more important.

Satisfaction comes from enjoying and loving what we do.

The Simple Life or Simply No Choice?

2011-01-11T18:32:00.001-06:00

Welcome to a Brand New Year!

My KY Christmas visit with my mom and family went really well. I was so excited to be with my family and bring presents, especially to my little cousin Katy who got pink cowboy boots and a pink cowboy hat. The other highlight was getting to finally meet Jacob, my cousin, Alonzo and his wife Lisa's new little boy. Seeing him open Christmas gifts from us for the first time was an overwhelming joy!!!

Yet the weather was cold and snowy, the roads icy, and I ended up being stuck for a while with my mom in the holler. I am use to daily structure and plans from going to work, classes, exercising, and church that I have difficulty "being" on vacation or just "relaxing". I have to be doing or working at something. Being stuck up in the holler with just one icy nasty road, I had to unwillingly comprise with just "being”…

Being with my mom as she constantly watched her favorite channel, Turner Classic Movies (TCM), even though she has 2oo or more channels in the lineup. Though we bickered like old ladies, I know I will cherish even those bickering fights.
Being cooped up like a chicken in a hen house, inside away from the coldness outside.
Being away from work.
Being away from my chores at home.
Being away from cell phone service. By the way, no matter what fancy cell phone you have, most cell phones do not work in Eastern KY hollers!
Being away from choices...

I felt blessed remembering the countless opportunities and choices we have in Houston which was one of the main reasons I "chose" to live here. We have abundant choices from phone carriers, malls, restaurants (too many to count which is why we were up there in the "fattest" cities for awhile), car dealerships, parks, schools, events….the list goes on and on. We are also blessed to have choices in the basic necessities such as hospitals, cable, electric, water, gas, and trash.

As with last year's issue, my family's road, trash, and postal service were again halted for the month of December. While the rest of the world went along with life, my family and others’ trash piled up, gas and bills went undelivered, and they risked their life each time they tried to venture out of the holler. Life was at a stand still. I was reminded of the monopolies that the basic service companies have in Jackson and Hazard as well at the heartless attitudes of the employees of these services. The community and our families are at these companies' mercy. What other choices do they have?

My vacation began to feel like “Survivor”. The simple life in the country didn’t feel so “simple” but a “have to”. You “just have to deal with it” attitude doesn’t change things at all. Yet things seem to have to be this way because some businesses and political leaders refuse to listen or even care. This makes life even more of a struggle than living in poverty. You begin to feel hopeless and pointless.

I recall growing up with the attitude that “city people” or anyone who took better care of themselves was “proud” or thought they were better than us in Eastern KY. Now I understand that pride was not the factor at all. They simply “chose” to improve, to better their life, they believed in themselves. They didn’t fold under and just comply.

Although I have grown up and moved away, I still find myself battling with that “have to deal with it” feeling that I am unworthy, that I don’t deserve better or don’t have a choice. My heart yearns for my people of Eastern KY who struggle with the same battle inside their mind that I do. Yet we comprise, quit, and mask our failure to fight with just calling it the “simple life” and this is the way of life.

Thankfully we do have Choices. We can choose to sit still being voiceless, mindless, and hopeless while others run and ruin our lives. Or we can choose to continue to fight, even if the battle is within our own minds, for a better life that God has for us and our families. God gave us a choice. Choose to believe and trust in Him or choose a "lifeless" Life.

Which Life will you Choose?

The Gift of Belonging

2010-12-17T13:10:00.001-06:00

What's more important than a Gift?

When I was growing up, I couldn’t wait for Christmas. Each year seemed longer than the previous one as I looked forward to what Santa left behind under the tree. The majority of the time I didn’t get the gift that I had written to Santa about but that didn’t matter. At least he had left me something under the tree.

Growing up in poverty can cause Christmas to be a lot less fun when you see the nice gifts that other kids have, not to mention the stress that the parents have to endure. I was blessed to have gifts under the tree on many Christmas mornings. However, we did have our share of quite a few Christmases where we debated about even decorating as we had no money for gifts or even a wonderful Christmas dinner.

As children, my aunts and uncle, who were a few years older than me, seldom had gifts under the tree. Homemade Christmas decorations were made from paper, buttons, or whatever else they could find. A scrawny pine tree that my uncle had dug up served as the centerpiece on a few occasions. Strangely, my Grandma somehow always managed to make delicious Christmas desserts, rolls, and breads from out of nothing. It was if she had magically whipped them up out of dirt. I can remember a few times when I went with my aunts and uncle to the Salvation Army in South Jackson, KY. A ministry would host a Christmas party in a big gymnasium where Santa would be there. The children of Jackson would sometimes get coats, clothes, toys, and a bag filled with fruit and nuts.

As usual, our stressful times mainly came from school. Every year at LBJ Elementary, our class had the option of picking names so that the students could give one another presents. What kid doesn’t want a present? Naturally almost all kids wanted to draw names. The name you picked was to remain a “secret” until the day of gift giving.

Of course I always threw my name in the bucket to be picked even though my mom had warned me many times not to draw names. Fearing her wrath, I waited until a few days before our class gift exchange to tell her the bad news. A few times the gift I brought was wrapped in white freezer paper or aluminum foil with yellow freezer tape left over from one of our hog killings. Once I even took a gift in a paper bag. Regardless, I still had to take a gift for the name I had drawn even if my mom made me give away a toy of my own.

Like me, my aunt was warned to never draw names. My grandparents could barely afford food on the table, so buying some strange kid a gift was definitely out of the question. Yet my aunt could not contain her eagerness one year and she threw her name in the bucket anyway. When names were drawn, she barely took notice of the name she held. Besides, she was certain to get a gift. Unfortunately the day of gift exchange came all too quickly. She had “forgotten” to bring a gift. As the gifts were passed out to the children, my aunt excitedly opened hers. A doll. Not exactly what she wanted but at least she got a chance to open a gift. One child sat without a gift. Tears ran down her face. She was the “forgotten” name that my aunt had picked. Before the teacher could investigate names, my aunt gave the doll to the “forgotten” girl. My aunt cared less about some doll. She was just happy being part of a group that opened presents.

The gift of giving is always an important lesson at Christmas, but the gift of belonging is even more important. It’s not always the gift that we seek but the joy of unwrapping a gift of belonging.

No matter what gift you give or get this Christmas, share the gift of joy and love with others. Help them feel "belonged" even if they are strangers to you.

The precious gift at Christmas is knowing

that we belong in God's family.

Merry Christmas!

Spinning Out of Control

2010-12-13T13:49:00.004-06:00

There they lay, taunting almost giggling at me, were my keys, shinning from the evening sun, in the locked Durango. What was even more painful yet almost humorous were the backup keys were also locked in there. Out of control? Uh....just a little! What I did have control over were my emotions {almost}. I was visiting with some new Christian friends, so my reaction to my locked up keys was much calmer than had I been alone in a parking lot somewhere. Stay calm, think, and pray for guidance. Most often these are not the steps I usually take. I react with fear, anxiety, and panic. On a positive note I was able to call a locksmith, which took him an easy 5 seconds total to break into my car and retrieve the keys. Unfortunately my locked key incident cost me $70 and a little embarrassment in front of my new friends.

Back in October my doctor started slowly removing me from anti-depressants. Although there has been an improvement with my weight loss, I find my self drifting back into that emotional roller coaster at times, like putting on old shoes that really don’t fit or feel comfortable anymore. For me, the smallest failure or let down suddenly can become a major drama attack within my own head. The sudden lapse of thinking clearly causes the tears to flow, objects to fly, and a negative attack against my own self.

Like most health problems, depression is not an easy battle. Being out of control of your own emotions can be scarier than having locked keys in the car. Yet just as with anything else that we don’t have control over, we have to seek support and help. This means simply letting go of:

Self-pride and seeing our limits
Shame and admitting we are powerless
Guilt and accepting defeat

Admitting we are powerless is the first step in the 12 step programs and the root of prayer.

Accepting that things our beyond control but knowing that God can help is similar to retrieving the keys out of the locked car. The peace comes from knowing that there is no problem greater than God. From health problems, job loss, divorce, marriage, having children, traffic jams, and even small issues with locked keys, God has control of all the issues. Even if God’s time clock is not on our worldly time, He is always right on Time. When we relax, accept that He’s in control and stop controlling the situation, He will guide us to the next step that needs to be taken. We don’t have to be perfect or do things perfectly, just be….!

God is more than the Locksmith. He is the Key to our peace within.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Fear of Change

2010-11-18T09:59:00.000-06:00

Who likes changes???
My stomach ached with fear and anxiety. I dreaded to start the day as I was tired from a restless night full of worry and crying. This was to be a new year filled with joy, excitement, and new goals. Yet I would have rather been swept away with the old year like a memory pushed under the rug. The year started off in a negative light - I had lost my dad, my ex had moved out, and my close friend and co-worker was leaving. Everyone seemed to be disappearing right in front me as I struggled to cling onto them. Many times getting out of bed was such a fight. The only positive I saw was the weight loss from my lack of appetite with all of my anxiety and depression. This was me at the beginning of last year.

Change. Does anyone really like change, other than that clinging sound of the stuff in your pocket yearning for the vending machine? Negative change never fails to come right when life is going so great then suddenly life turns upside down. You lose a job, or a spouse, a loved one, something close to you, or your car unexpectedly breaks down. Perhaps the situation can be even more extreme such as losing a home to a tragedy like the big "F"s -- fire, flood, or foreclosure.

Even positive changes can be scary like getting a new job, a baby, or a new home. We wrestle with the idea of making the right decisions. Should I take this route? Maybe we feel failure, rejection, or that something bad will happen if we do a "different" thing. We stick to the same routine as we know what to expect. However, sometimes the very goal or passion we yearn for in life can be the very thing we keep running from.

Change is unavoidable. Whatever the case, life changes, whether they are good or bad, can be very scary. Is there a change in your life that NEEDS to happen yet you are too afraid?
That impending fear of going down a different new path of life keeps us circling around in a dirty pond with no room for growth. Imagine if we never conquered our fear of change - stuck crawling instead of walking, stuck in the same rut of life with the same routine. Step out Faith.

God asks us to trust Him, step out in faith, knowing that whatever choice we make, He will always be there to protect us. We can rest in peace knowing that when God throws unexpected changes in our lives, He wants the change to be for the good in our lives, to bring out the best in us. As Romans 8:28 states"...we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him." After all, He knows what is best for us even when we think we know it ALL.

Take a new route in life. God has exciting adventure waiting for you.

Don’t box us in. . . . Ok, maybe a little. Bay Area Citizen Opinion Houston Community Newspapers Online - News Around Town

2010-11-11T13:46:00.000-06:00

Well said...:

Don’t box us in. . . . Ok, maybe a little. Bay Area Citizen Opinion Houston Community Newspapers Online - News Around Town

Make your Voice Heard...!

2010-11-02T13:05:00.000-05:00

It's Election time so stand up for SOME changes!

Don't be "bullied" by the elected officials who refuse to hear your concern. Unhappy with the politics?

Get out there and VOTE for change.

Make your VOICE Heard!

It's TIME for Better changes! I enjoyed this article....

http://breathittonline.com/blog/2010/10/27/breathitt-county-judge-stops-another-meeting/

Safe Room

2010-10-21T08:58:00.000-05:00

Safe Room

Bullied by a Religion

2010-10-20T04:12:00.007-05:00

The Unseen Bully

As usual, I sat quietly in study hall lost in another world. It was easy to disregard the other students around me. On occasions, I would hear their whispers and giggles about my hair, shoes, or whatever else about my appearance that was comical to them. By the time I was a junior in high school, I wasn't a stranger to bullies. In fact, I had grown quiet bored of other students' disapproval and immature laughter at me. Yet the whispers did not make me invulnerable. Rejection still hurts regardless. A couple of girls questioned me and made hurtful comments about my clothes. Too embarrassed, I never shared much and always replied with smiles. Apparently this was even more comical to them. Thankfully by the end of the semester, I was able to transfer to another class. On my way out the door, one of the arrogant girls stated "Bye, Miss Smiley". I gladly smiled my biggest smile at her and went on my merry way.

As long as I can remember, I always longed for that sense of belonging with others. Regardless of how I was treated, I don't recall confronting many people, mainly out of fear, but also because I know the pain of rejection. Early on my parents taught me the spirit of love and respect for others. While this is a great asset, I was also taught to remain quiet and that your opinion isn't that important. However, now my heart has been called not to be quiet and to share my thoughts.

Lately the bully issue has been a hot topic. Most times when we think of bullying, the scenes from The Christmas Story may make us chuckle. Yet bullying still occurs long after we have left those wonder years behind. Like my junior year experience, the unseen enemy is right next to you. Maybe you are wrapped up in another world like I was in those teen years. " What bully? How can bullying possibly be in religion?" Easy.

Our country's foundation was an exciting new beginning with the freedom to share and practice Christianity. The freedom we have in American truly is a blessing so no wonder many scramble to get in our doors. The freedom of speech, to choose, to love, and the freedom of religion. However this freedom can also cause chaos among those who believe their opinion, their religion, and their leadership is the RIGHT and only way. We lose sight of the importance of it all.

I have been fortunate to have friends and acquaintances from diverse cultures, opinions of life, and religious denominations. What amazes me the most is that regardless of the beliefs, the common denominator is always God, Prayer, and Peace Towards Others. Did I choose these people or was it God, my Heavenly Father, who brought us together? I believe "our {re}connection could be impacting a yet bigger picture somewhere else" as my childhood best friend, Betty, stated to me in a recent email. Our reconnecting friendship just happened a few years ago through some unfortunate events.

Whatever your belief, I felt blessed and compelled to share the link below as presented by a Muslim / Christian speaker, George Chavanikamannil, who recently spoke at my church, Grace Community. His knowledge of the Koran and the "Islamic Extremists" shattered my heart. Strangely, I felt much sadness but not just because the Koran denies Christ, my Saviour, calls Jews "filthy pigs", or strives to "kill" those who deny the Koran. The sadness I felt and still feel is the separation of all mankind. As tragic as it was was, my heart is still warm from those friendly humble "togetherness" moments days after the 9/11 incident.

While there may be many beliefs and lots of spirituality confusion, this is not by accident. The Enemy loves to have confusion and separation. Having extremists (bullies), whether it be a cult, social group, or religion, who wants to annihilate you because you are Jewish, Christian, or anything other than Islam/Muslim or an unbeliever is not part of God's world. That separation from God, our inner Peace, causes us to hurt and disbelieve in anything good.

And just as there is confusion, there is also Hope. Hope for all believers, regardless, to pray, to seek within their heart, and hold tight to the Power that is stronger that us all, which is God's Almighty Hand. Stand strong and smile at the bully.

We have the choice to believe in HIM, yet God never refuses to choose us.

Trying to Catch Up

2010-10-10T23:23:00.000-05:00

Never good enough...

I have spent the majority of my life trying to catch up with others. Here I am, weeks away from being 40, and I still find myself trying to be smart, pretty, spiritual, or just good enough. If I only I had that certain "thing" that some else seems to have. I have fought for so long to try to "catch up" and be equal to others so that I would finally feel more lovable, well liked, and accepted towards my own self.

These past "grown up" years, I have spent many hours reading co-dependency books, attending meetings, and listening to motivational speakers. I have bounced around in a few churches until I finally found a comfortable one. I even have a few great non-judgmental Christian friends who sometimes mentor and pray with me. So why do I always come back to this "less than" feeling?

We are told so many times to let go and give it to God. Turn your life over and accept Christ in your heart. Take it one day at time. Walk in faith and easy does it. Why do these answers sound so simple? Probably because in the end, it is.

For me, I could complicate working on the easiest thing like gluing two pieces of paper together. "How much glue? Glue it on the top? What about the middle? What about the bottom? Man, mine's not as good as yours!" Being the "drama" queen and emotional person that I am at times (which is OK too), I get so caught up that I miss the simplicity of it all.

Its not always easy for me just to simply to turn my problems and will over to God. For a while, I had a control issue as if I couldn't trust God. I often thought that I couldn't rely on Him as if He would let me down, as others had done. Even though my trust in God has improved, I still struggle with not wanting to "bother" Him so I'll just do it on my own. In my eyes, my problems are not as important nor as of a big concern compared to the worldly problems. I am not as worthy as everyone else. Thankfully, God doesn't see it that way.

As I was crying over this issue again today, I remembered my counselor friend helping me in the past. She had me remember the earliest time of having the same inadequate hurtful feelings. It helps to know that the majority of those less than (unworthiness) and shaming feelings derive from our childhood and can be 'fixed'. That part of me, the "wounded child", sometimes get stuck on situations of the past. By recalling those times and "feel" those shaming or unworthy feelings, , the grown up part of me can console her as if she were my own daughter. With God's help, I can get back on track in the real world. I can choose not to live there in the pain anymore and be the "grown up". I don't have to listen to the negative talk anymore. I have to reprogram those yucky thoughts of criticism which then helps the wounded me be free.

Many recovery groups have a 12 Step program for over complicators like myself. These steps are simple spiritual concepts. Regardless of what you are going through, God never leaves your side.

We don't have to live in the pain of the past. Each moment can be a new beginning and a new love towards our self.

Be Nice to You.

Why Am I Here?

2010-09-17T10:01:00.003-05:00

Experiencing the Honey Festival from the Other Side....

On the Other Side

I sat at my table watching the people drift by. They barely glanced my way. There were so many wonderful things to look at so why would they take a second look at me. Those old feelings of shame, embarrassment, and failure began to creep into my soul. Why did I come here? Was it really that important to share my thoughts and reach out the people passing my way? How foolish I felt compared the other bustling booths at the Honey Festival. What was even more frightening was that it was only Friday night. I had two more days so sit at this table - two more days to sit and watch the happy families walk on by while I stared aimlessly at them.

The trip to KY had started off bad. For the first time in my life, I had missed my plane out of Houston and had to sit for nearly two hours for the next flight. In addition, I was so induced with my mom's conversation that I missed the Mountain Parkway exit and got lost several times. By the way, why can't they just add a dang exit for that parkway on the other side of the interstate? No wonder I felt like a failure at this point.

Like a movie preview, memories of my past began to flash within my mind. My eyes began to water as I recalled them all -- memories of never fitting in no matter how hard you tried. Those same old feelings of never being good enough, smart enough, and always being shuffled to the side as if you never mattered. I remember wanting to cry out, to have a voice, but it always seemed useless. No would listen anyway. That was over 20 years ago and here I sat reliving those haunting memories as if they had just happened.

I feared the rejection. Most of all, I feared annoying people, the people of Eastern KY who I have such a compassion and love for. Perhaps they would think of me as some weird stranger who had no idea about life in the hills of KY. It has been awhile since I have had to walk up the holler, pack water from the branch, or nearly gotten ran over crossing Main Street in Jackson. Funny how all that comes back so naturally. Yet I knew I was here for a reason. I had something to share.

Me and my Booth

Well, I am Truly happy that this was not the whole story from my Honey Festival experience. Friday night did start off awkward but by the end of the evening, I couldn't wait to run to Wal-Mart before it closed. I just had to have more goodies to give out and improve my booth a little more. Of course, getting my 4-H corn dog came first! It tasted even better than I remembered alongside the ice cold Coke!! Coke is our preferred option in Texas over Pepsi. Sorry Pepsi Lovers! :)

By Saturday, I was able to sell nearly all of my books, I Found Me, leaving only 4 books left for Sunday. I also gave out plenty of business cards, stickers, articles, bookmarks, candy, as well as Hugs and promises of prayers to those I met. The old feelings of rejection and sadness were long replaced with laughter, smiles, and a stronger deep compassion for my hometown.


Mike Bryant and Me (BHS Class of '88!)

By the end of the weekend, I felt sad taking down my table and sign. Yet I knew that I had made an accomplishment. I had came here to serve as God's purpose. In fact, I was able to donate two copies of my books to the Jackson Library. Check them out if you didn't get a chance to stop by my booth! Perhaps I can attend the Honey Festival again next year!! :)

Obey God's whispering commands, those inner instincts. Trust God!

My cousin Alonzo and Me

My cousin Gina and Me

Teach them Early about Voting!

Teach them Early about Voting!

Gearing Up for the 2010 Honey Festival

2010-08-30T00:11:00.003-05:00

Hey Ya'll!

When I was growing up, I use to LOVE going every year to the Honey Festival in Jackson, KY. I use to count down the days to Labor Day so I would be out of school for the long weekend and get a chance to go to town. I dreamed of being a "clogger" after seeing the Jackson clogging team dance to the wonderful Bluegrass music. I also loved eating the 4-H Booth's Corn Dogs. They were sooo yummy!

Of course the festival seemed huge to me back then as there were so many people everywhere. My parents and I would walk around all the booths in the giant tent that was stretched out down Main Street. We gazed at all the crafts and other neat stuff even though we couldn't afford to buy hardly any of it. After a few years of attending the festival, my cousin Alonzo and I started a tradition of getting the ceramic Honey Bee pin with our names printed on them. Since we rarely got to go to many places while growing up, the Honey Festival was our favorite and most exciting time of the year. Unfortunately, I haven't been to the festival in many years.

Well....I am soooo excited to announce that I - little old me - will be hosting a booth in the BIG tent at this year's 2010 Honey Festival this Labor Day weekend! Woo Hoo!! It was a blessing that I was able to make it in the booth line up. I feel even more blessed that I will be able to provide some goodies and free articles of mine. However, if you want to save some trees and read the articles online, feel free to download a copy below. I hope to have a few more.

I am very very excited to be a participant at the Honey Festival and see all the people of my hometown. Of course I will be selling copies of my book, "I Found Me", on sale for $15. I wish I could give them away but an author's gotta break even somewhere -- right? Even if I don't sell one book, it makes me very happy that I will be able to provide some articles and talk to the hometown folk. I have such a passion and love for my hillbilly people. By the way, the first 10 participants who purchase my book will get a Free book bag. I hope that you will like them!

Anyway, hope to see you there! Stop by and say hi! =) I wonder if they still sell those Honey Bee pins?

Some articles that will be available:

Someone in Your Family Driving You Nuts? (Alanon/Alateen Info)
Drunk on Election Day (Election Fraud Info)

""You can take the Girl out of the Country, but you can't take the country out of the girl!"

Be proud of your hillbilly heritage! I AM!

New Shoes

2010-08-23T17:56:00.006-05:00

I Love Shoes!!

In the past couple of weeks I have been gearing up for this year's 2010 Honey Festival in my hometown of Jackson KY. In addition to making tote bags, stickers, and a host of other various freebies for my "I Found Me" booth, I had almost forgotten the most important part, Shoes!! If you are like me, I find every excuse I can to purchase some new shoes. Thankfully Payless was having a "buy one, get one half off" sale. My intent was to get just one pair of comfy shoes since I will being doing lots of walking around the festival. Yet how I could I miss out on a sale like that? My one pair turned into four pair of shoes. =) Now I am stuck debating which pair to take on my trip back home?

Yet getting a pair of new shoes was never easy to come by when I was growing up. Getting a second pair would have been unheard of so I think I am making up for lost time! I always hated school shopping with my mom. Not only did it mean that the summer was over but I had to be dragged to the thrift store or to Wal-Mart to get clothes. Plus it really didn't matter what clothing or shoes I liked. I was stuck with whatever my parents could afford and whatever my mom liked. Of course there were arguments which I failed miserable at as she would say that when I got my own money, I could buy my own shoes.

When my dreaded freshman year rolled around I had a few dollars saved up from selling eggs. Like most early teens, I thought I knew it all! I was going to have a "say so" this year when we went shopping for clothes. Wal-Mart had just opened up the year before in Jackson. Everyone flocked to it like a fox in a hen house. My mom and I went through the same routine just like ever year. We bickered over the clothes she picked out and I had to try them on anyway. I hate trying on clothes still to this day! After coming out of the dressing room, my mom and total strangers would be conversing on whether the clothes fit right or not. She'd make me turn around several times before I'd have to do it all over again with another outfit.

My feet had grown quite a bit over the summer so it was hard to find shoes at Wal-Mart. Somehow we got stuck going to a fancier store in Jackson like Rose Brothers or Dawhar's. It was there when I first fell in love with shoes.

The year was 1984 and of course Michael Jackson, break dancing, and music videos were HOT! My cousin Alonzo had a break dancing book and he taught me a few moves. Naturally, a dancer at heart, I fell in love with break dancing---moon walking, popping and locking and whatever other freaky moves we learned. Yet in all the videos, the break dancers seem to have "special shoes" that made them look like they were floating. THOSE shoes were on Sale at the store we were at and I HAD HAD HAD to HAVE them, no matter what!! Unfortunately, the shoes only came in RED. They had no other colors or styles. It didn't matter to me! They were break dancing shoes! I thought they were the most awesome, coolest shoes ever invented!

Unfortunately, even being on sale they were too expensive for my mom's taste. I begged and pleaded with her. I even gave her my egg money, which in all honesty, was probably just about $5. The shoes were a lot more than that! She reminded me that these were the only pair of shoes I could get for the entire year. I tuned out everything she said and thought she was mean and dumb for not wanting me to get the shoes. Unfortunately, I got them--bright Red Cloth shoes. Cloth shoes. Not ideal for walking in and out of a holler for a whole year in mud, rain, snow, and ice not to mention that the soles were pretty thin as well. They also didn't go very well with my school clothes. I had to wear the RED shoes with Every outfit to school.

Those shoes lasted about a month or two before holes were torn into them from my walking and the rough conditions. It didn't matter. They were my break dancing shoes and MJ would be so proud. My pride would not let me complain much either. Thankfully my Grandma felt some sympathy for me and got me some tennis shoes from the Dollar Store later that year .

What's the moral of this story? Never buy red shoes? LOL Nah...! Sometimes God gives us what we want even if its not good for us. Sometimes, like my mom, He's says "Ok...but you will have to live with the consequences."

Choose carefully the life you want and the things you want,

as you most often don't get a second chance!

Nourish Your Friendships

2010-08-12T22:41:00.010-05:00

Friends are like Flowers!
I like to think of friendships kind of like plants or flowers. When you find a nice one, you want it to grow by planting the seed. However, you have to remember to nourish it by watering, fertilizing, and paying attention to it. Friendships are the same way. It requires us to give away a part of ourselves, to pay attention. We have to take the time to listen and share of ourselves like watering the plant. We take the time to allow it to grow by spending time with our friends such as fertilizing to help the friendship grow. Our friends should bring out the best of who we are as we do the same for them...to encourage, brighten, and help each other grow in the way God has called us to be.

I've never been good with plants. In fact, if you want a plant to die, just let me touch it as I must have the plague for plants. Embarrassingly, the same is true when it comes to my friendships. I am able to share with others and be open about a lot of things. However, there always seems to be an emotional "halt" or "wall" that comes up when I feel I am getting too comfortable. My trust guard jumps up and says "Hey, we'd better not go any further!"

Perhaps its my "only" child syndrome that allows me to be secure and safe in my own little world. As with a lot of "only" children, our time with friends is valuable, sometimes attention hungry, yet we have no problem walking away and being alone. We've been alone most of our childhood. Our close friends were inanimate objects, things we would cling to as if the objects had real feelings or souls.

Perhaps it could also be those toxic friendships of my past where I gave and gave of myself yet was taken advantage of many times. I have a tendency to over give of myself. Because of my esteem issues, I often seek the approval or the OK from the other person. Slowly I am learning that it is not the approval from others that I need. Its the acceptance of God that I have already received. It's up to me to be acceptance of myself and to accept the love of God in my life on a daily sometimes hourly basis.

I would like to have more flowers in my life. I know God will provide them, some thorns and weeds too, but it will be up to me to water and fertilize them.

Nourish the friends in your life!

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

2010-07-29T23:02:00.002-05:00

Howdy..!

Did you miss me? (Probably didn't even notice that I was gone!) It's been a few weeks since I had a chance to add a new post. Okay...maybe it was a little longer than a few weeks. I hope that everyone's summer is going great despite the massive heat wave, the fall of the economy, the never ending oil spill / clean up, and last but not least - let us not forget the ongoing debate of the Arizona immigration law drama. What an eventful Summer!!!

As for my summer, I have been participating in an early American History class as part of my degree plan. It's a relative easy class as we refresh what we kind of already know about American History. In case you have forgotten, here's a quick overview:

Colonists (Us) came to America for a new beginning for life, liberty, and equality.
WE then pushed the natives aside, gave them plenty of diseases not to mention the thousands killed in the process as we took their land.
Established the colonies (states) and developed our Government (Constitution).
Got in a big fight with the British for our independence (Yah! 4th of July!).
Kidnapped some people from another country to work for us for FREE (slavery) while killing more natives (Indians) to get MORE land.
Got in another big fight - this time with Mexico to get Texas (Yah Texas!), Arizona, and New Mexico which by the way, the natives were "Mexicans" but then became "Americans".
Then someone found gold in California...so naturally we gotta get More land!
Got in another big fight (Civil War) with each other (North vs South) to decide what to do about the free workers (slavery).
Of course we know the South loses, the slaves are Freed, lots more stuff happens, then flash a little over a century and Obama is President....(Yikes!)
...and the drama still continues.

All in all I have really enjoyed the class in re-learning American History as my interests and views have changed through the years. A few years ago I could have cared less about politics, our history, or even furthering my education as I was lost in a different kind of world full of my own drama.

But now my eyes have been opened, my spirit is awaken, and an inspiration pings at my heart. I see such changes in world that is frightening. It makes me wonder how far any of us would go to stand up for our beliefs and values that our ancestors did so many years ago. How far are we willing to "walk" and "fight" off the enemy for a better life for ourselves and our family? If our forefathers of our country could see the state of this great nation currently, what would cross their minds?

I celebrated the 4th of July with my family this year with a great sense of honor. For the first time in my life, I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I watched the fireworks. I recalled the fights I read about and felt grateful for the freedom we still have in our country. We celebrated the fireworks show with a good friend of ours, Melissa from Germany, who had been an exchange student here a couple of years ago. It was an honor to know her and learn her culture as some of my ancestors are from Germany as well. Yet, I felt very proud to have her celebrate our freedom, our independence, our celebration this 4th.

Honoring our country, respecting our veterans, respecting the laws of the land seems to be slowly dwindling from our very own leaders unfortunately.

It's time to get back this sinking ship as I see it, full of unappreciative people who aren't rowing or doing their part, and set sail for a new beginning like our forefathers once did. We NEED leaders and full-time workers who love and honor the values our country was founded on.

Honor this Country! Fly your American Flag High and Proud! Pay much respect to the people serving to Protect it!

Congrats to the Class of 2010

2010-06-10T17:41:00.001-05:00

It's that time again--Graduation. It's been a long while since I have been to a graduation - 2005 was the last time I believe. It's been even a longer time since I graduated but we won't go there.

Graduation is a sweet yet scary time. A time for new beginnings, new relationships, and new promises. As we say so long to our former classmates and head down life's pathway, we can't imagine anything more important than graduating. We can't imagine that we will ever forget the names of our classmates. Yet 5 years pass by, then another, and we may be surprised to realize that we have drawn a blank to some of our teachers' and classmates' names.

What will not be forgotten though is graduation day. The emotions, the music, what we wore, the family, and maybe even the name of some valedictorians who had a chance to speak will be forever engraved in our mind.

As the Bon Jovi song, "Never Say Good-bye", so sweetly played on my graduation day, courtesy to our valedictorian, Missy Ison -- OK, I went there :-) --, the graduation memory was officially forever stamped in my heart. I still get 'teary' eyed when I hear that song today. Although life continues on, we will never say good bye to the memories or the emotion of togetherness we felt that graduation day.

My family and I are very proud and happy to celebrate this year's high school graduate, my cousin Amanda McAdams. She graduated (with honors) and already has a semester of college hours. She is a natural beauty full of talent, wit, and a sweet personality who I know will accomplish her dreams. Check out the graduation picture gift I created for her.

Way to Go, Amanda, Class of 2010!!

We are so very PROUD of You!!

Have You Been Robbed?

2010-05-27T10:40:00.003-05:00

I detest thieves!

I recently bought a circular fan as a donation to the gym room at my apartments. It’s pretty neat that my apartment complex has this small room with a treadmill, exercise bike, and weight machine. Hey, it’s not a 24-Hour Fitness or anything but the convenience works. Unfortunately, the apartment staff has a tendency to turn the A/C off after hours making the room sometimes unbearable. The fan I bought was nothing fancy, just something I found at Wal-Mart the other day. After dragging my body to the room yesterday morning before work, I was so mad that I could spit nails--what a site that would be. The new fan I bought was already gone! The nerve! You know that feeling, the disheartening and anger that someone would actually steal.

Usually it’s not the “things” we are really mad about but the complete lack of respect to robe us of our values. Often we think of material things as the stuff being stolen from us. However things can be taken away from us almost on a daily basis.

Have you ever “given” or practically “sold” yourself away? When we give away our rights, privileges, happiness, or settle for less than what we deserve, our peace and joy is robbed right from underneath us. Unless we have peace inside of who we really are, the money and material things are just duct tape – a temporary fix for happiness. True, I’d like to win the lottery someday just so I can see if money really does buys me happiness. Yet there are a lot more important things to me than that.

My heritage, my family, my friends, my beliefs, and my values are priceless! Those are the things that need to be protected the most. Its unfortunate that the society we live in today are the thieves – the media, the politicians, the entertainment business, the economy, and even false religious leaders are the ones stealing from us. We lose a part of ourselves when we become like mindless sheep and abide by what society says who we are or who we ought to be. Like robots we allow these people to take advantage of our weakness instead of standing up for ourselves and our values.
What's more disturbing are the innocent young lives that have had their life literally taken away from someone because they were unable to defend themselves.

It breaks my heart to see and hear about those who steal or give away a part of themselves. Often I find myself giving away a part of me, trying to make someone happier or feeling that I am not good enough. In my past relationship, I had to pay for nearly everything. In a sense, I “paid” to have a relationship and gave away the true me. The true lost is being without the inner peace. So in an odd way, those who steal are being robbed themselves from the inner peace.

Sometimes when I have had things taken from me, I want to seek refuge. The anger and powerlessness I feel overwhelms me. Then I am reminded of a couple of Bible verses, Leviticus 19:18 which states “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD” and Romans 12:19 that states “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"^[a]says the Lord.” In due time, God will restore what was lost.

Inner peace...blah, blah, blah…whatever and who cares…right? Well, once you find it and know it well, that inner peace will be your most valuable asset and the one thing you can take with you to the grave.

Re-Evaluate Your Values and Protect Them!

Drunk on Election Day

2010-05-11T12:05:00.002-05:00

Tempted to Sell or Give Away Your Vote?

When I was growing up, election time seemed to be an eventful time in my family. On occasions I was able to visit the polls as my parents voted. Since my dad couldn’t read, it was not uncommon for voting volunteers to assist him in the voting booth. It also was not uncommon to see him and my Grandpa as well as many others drunk (intoxicated) on Election Day. In fact, everyone I knew was aware that Election Day brought many alcoholics to the polls. As a child, I had no clue that selling your vote was any harm nor given an alcoholic a 5th of Jim Beam for his vote was illegal. It all seemed natural to me. In fact, many of the poor like my family looked forward to Election Day so the electric bill could get paid or groceries bought. So it doesn’t surprise me that this tradition still continues today except the candidates have graduated from alcohol to pills and other drugs. It’s very easy for officials and candidates to take advantage of those who are poor, addicts, or just uninformed.
Not long ago I had written about the issues my mom was having with the Breathitt County officials (Issues with Breathitt County Officials) in fixing the Fugate's Fork Road. A political official offered to fix the road in return for votes. In addition, it very easy to see the many newly "graveled" driveways during election time with signs posted for those already in office. Meanwhile the public county roads nearby are in awlful conditions that don't include enough gravel to barely cover a mud puddle. So the issue regarding voting fraud hasn't been far from my mind since it is election time.

All this made me wonder why officials are still able to get elected into office if many of the residents disagree with their leadership. Obviously, people either 1.) Refuse to vote, 2.) Vote out of guilt for friends or family, or 3.) Bribery.

Although voting fraud seems impossible to stop, it’s important that people know the importance of voting. Nothing will improve in the area if residents continue to sell or give away their right to vote. Nothing will improve in the area if residents don’t stand up for what they believe in. With what little rights we still have left, it’s not worth selling out or risking jail time to corrupt candidates who obviously care less about you and your community and more about themselves.

DO your part - anonymously report voting fraud at

1-800-328-VOTE (8683)!!!

Hope for a Life of Anxiety

2010-04-09T17:10:00.000-05:00

Someone in your family driving you nuts?

It's all around you, it's ugliness. The lies. The destruction. The torn lives. The control over you. Addiction. For the majority of my life, I have seen the power that drugs and alcohol has over my loved ones. Growing up, I assumed it was a way of life as if everyone's family lived in the toxic, turnmoil, and anxiety; that everyone's grandpa or some member of their family drank until they couldn't see straight causing embarrassment and laughter. SURPRISE! They don't! Not everyone lives that way.

But living in Eastern KY, you might start to doubt there was family out there who didn't live this way. You might even think that this is the WAY of Life and my loved one will never change. Countless times we have had our hearts broken, been manipulated {Again, and again, and again...}, and have tried tirelessly to change someone who Refuses to change or get help. Time after time we question why. Why? Why won't they change? Why do the treat me this way? Why don't they just straighten up?

Bottom Line - Why should they?

We are so focused on changing them...our family. Naturally. They hurt us and their selves. However, trying to change someone is like banging your head against the wall trying to make a door. It's not going to happen. Believe me, I have lived my whole life this way until about year or so ago! It's up to you to change. Change how you react and change your behavior. How?

STOP!!!

Stop the nagging and threatening
Stop giving money and any other material things
Stop saving them and rescuing them
Start saying no and setting boundaries
Take care of you and what is important to you
PUT God first and not the individual

There can be Peace and you deserve it. It seems impossible....scary....and pointless...and almost selfish. Yet change has to happen before the peace can happen. Change can start very, very, small by telling yourself each day you are lovable and deserve happiness. Don't beat yourself up for giving in or feeling like a failure. Change takes time. Loving and taking care of you BEFORE trying to take care of your family - especially the chaotic one - sounds so selfish and against what we were taught. Guess what? Have you thought about the person you are rescuing and the selfish lifestyle they are living? Not enabling the addict can save their life.

Of course, I could write an entire book on rescuing, trying to change someone, and tough love. Thankfully I don't have to and am still learning myself.

Did you know there are support groups that deal just with the families of addicts or who grew up in addictive homes? It's called Alanon. It's free, safe, and confidential for people to vent, scream, cry, laugh, and support each other when you feel you're in this situation alone. I started attending in '08 and was surprised that other people were nuts just like me! Wow!

I hope and pray for you and your family through these challenges. Change can happen in Eastern KY or any home but it takes someone to change. Check out a local meeting sometime -- there are a few close by. See the Alanon website for more info.

INSANITY = Doing the same thing over and over and over YET EXPECTING a different result!!

Donation of Life

2010-03-26T15:36:00.006-05:00

Would you give a donation for life?

I'm happy to announce that my uncle recently received a liver transplant at the wonderful St. Luke's in the Houston Medical Center. He had been on the waiting list for about 7 months so when the call came, we were surprised and thankful. He had went through tedious amounts of tests, blood work, paper work, and other routines just to qualify. Though he was frightened and excited to trade in his old non-working ill liver for a newer one, he was thankful more than anything for the donation from the person who obviously no longer needed it and who was laid to rest.

Unfortunately, one of my younger cousins, Ronda, was involved in a tragic motorcycle accident back last year in Campton, KY. Though she lost her own life, 3 lives were saved because she was an organ donor. This is a true example on how God can change something so tragic into a wonderful blessing.

We rarely dwell or even like to think about death. It's something we hope is an event that is way-way-far off! It can be a scary or depressing topic. On top of that, who even wants to think about what happens to our body parts after the fact? However, preparing for your death should be another item on your task list for life's ever occurring events. Since death is an event that none of us can avoid, it's best to get prepared now instead of leaving the unhappy tasks to our grieving family members.

There are so many people in America still on that ever long waiting list just hoping and dreaming for a donation of life. Many still pass on without having the chance or being educated about donating to save a life. Growing up, I heard absurb horror stories about organ donation. Check out some of these organ donation myths. Yet organ donation can be the greatest gift you could ever give to someone....just ask my uncle! < -->
Become a donor at: http://www.organdonor.gov/ or call 1-888-ASK-HRSA.

Don't fear death for God created the cycle of Life. He made a donation to you so it's your turn to make a donation of life.

Issues with Breathitt County Officials

2010-03-03T18:38:00.000-06:00

Have you been robbed?

I really enjoyed writing my last blog entry, "Crossing Over". It gave me a chance to escape and hope for a brighter day. Lately however, I have been far, far away from that special Heaven place! :) I have been dealing with my Mom's issues with getting the County to fix the public road -- Fugate's Fork Road. If you lived in that area or in Breathitt County, I believe you would understand my dilemma with the county officials.

My mom and many of my family live on Fugate's Fork Road. It's just a simple 2-3 mile county dirt road running up a holler on the side of the mountain. Don't let the name fool you - we, the Fugate Family do not necesarily own it!! It is maintained by the county which means THEY-- the county officials -- are responsible for maintaining the safety and conditions of the road.

The Fugate's Fork Road is very dear to me since I walked it nearly everyday for six years to catch the school bus. So to see the road ignored and damaged affects me personally. Though I currently don't reside there, my friends and family do. I have been hearing the struggles and disheartening of the Fugate's Fork residents for many months now.

The road on Fugate's Fork has never been in the best of shape, especially in the last year or so. Lately though, it has gone to the extreme. The garbage has not been picked up THREE weeks, my mom and others haven't received their mail nor is she or many other residents in that area able to safely leave Fugate's Fork. My family has spent countless hours notifiying the County Judge, the magistrate of the area, the County Garage, and even the disctrict representatives. Yet they are blately being ignored by the County and District Representatives. Time after time after time their requests have been ignored, excused, or even thrown into the trash. Which makes me wonder how robbed they really are? Why is that these officials able to get elected into office? What's even more surprising is that these officials are running for office in the next election? One official even made a comment that he would fix the road if my family voted for him!

Are you like me? Do you find this issue astounding or appalling? How many times have you heard of votes being bought or bribbed? When I was younger, I thought it was neat that you could get money for voting for someone. My grandpa was drunk and had lots of money on every election day...guess where he got it?

Now that I am older, I get angry at the thought of uncaring officials robbing poor people and taking advantage of people. They care only for themselves.

I have contacted several state officials and will continue to contact and fight for Fugate's Fork. I need your help though---prayers, suggestions, --and ---NO...I not your money! :) Contact the KY's State Governor, the Attorney General, the Election Fraud Department, the Secretary of State, Lieutant Governor, and any other media contacts that you might have. Email anyone and everyone you know about this....

Doing this alone is a struggle.....but having friends fight with you makes it better. I am not afraid for the Lord Lights My Way.

Peace....and Thanks.....BTW - Can you bail me out if you see me in the Breathitt County Jail?? :) LOL

IT's Illegal for Someone to Buy or Bribe Your Vote. YOUR VOTE DOES COUNT. YOUR VOICE MATTERS!!!

Crossing Over

2010-02-24T18:55:00.001-06:00

What will heaven be like?
Close your mind and imagine with me for a moment. You're standing on a deserted beach listening the waves crash upon the shore. You look out and see the beautiful sunshine beaming down upon the blue water. The sun's rays bring warmth while brightening your soul. Listening to the waves, it calms your senses. You glance behind you to see the dark, deserted, overgrown woods. The bushes and trees are mangled so close together, enclosing it's mystery and sadness.

From out of nowhere, a figure wrestles its way from out of the woods and falls upon the beach. The figure kicks off the overgrown bushes that appear almost alive and try so hard to pull the figure back into its darkness. Looking tired, depressed, and worn from the travels of the woods, the figure manages to stand up. Suddenly it walks toward you. Closer and closer it comes. As it does, the figure's appearance begins to look oddly familiar. Naturally it does, because it's you! You and the figure stare at one another for a moment looking lost. Fear and sadness rushes over you but then you realize there is nothing to fear, it's just you. You...and...uh...you....are suddenly enveloped together, staring out at the waves crashing against the shore. Once again the warmth of the sun calms your soul. You feel thankful to have found that down trodden tired part of you, safe inside you now, away from the woods. You feel thankful for the warmth of the sun and the beauty of this place.

As you hear the waves of the shore crashing again, you see a bottle wash upon the shore. The sun's rays beam of the glass container showing a worn label. Out of curiosity, you draw closer to see the markings on the bottle then you realize there's a note inside. Before you can think about breaking the bottle to get to it, you clearly see the words, "Thank You" written inside.

Thank you? Why would someone write that? Then you realize where you must be. All the peace, all the serenity, all the calmness? Ah it must be Heaven! The note must be from Him, yes, Him, the big man upstairs. Why on Earth would He thank you? Yet He does. He thanks you for coming here to this place, seeking eternal serenity, for allowing Him to give you the peace, to rest your mind. He thanks you for befriended the one, that you that was lost in the woods, almost trapped and never able to leave. You almost laugh at the thought of God thanking you but you realize it's true. All the years of thanking Him, He is thanking you.

You look out towards the east of the shore and see a glare of light almost blinding you. The sun is heading west now so it's rays bounce off the beauty of the object on top of the rugged the mountain in the east. You try to focus and walk down the beach to get a closer look. Sure enough, it is what it is. God has kept His promise. The golden mansion sits high on top of the mountain. You had heard rumors all your life of the streets of gold. You wonder if it's really true. So naturally you make your way east.

Yet the moutaintop sits so high, it seems impossible to get to it unless you swim towards it. That doesn't seem possible either for the waters are rough and crashing against the many many rugged rocks surrounded the beach and mountain.

From out of nowhere, you see a tiny boat. Not the newest looking thing but still a boat. It doesn't look very held together but perhaps you could use it anyway to cross to the other side. Yet the fear starts to set in. "I can't do it. The waters are too rough. I would surely drown." Yet you are driven to see the place, to see its beauty, so why not? Get in the boat!

So, you finally get your nerves up and get in the boat. Thankfully there is one paddle. At least there is a paddle, you think. Two would have been nice but one will do. You start on your journey to paddle in the rugged water. Not long after you have been paddling, you realize it's pretty easy. You keep your eyes towards the shore, the prize. As you stare, you see them, your loved ones. All those that have gone on before you. They are waiting for you at the shore. What? Is that...? Yes, it's my grandma, it's my...! On and on you see them all there smiling and waiting for you.

But wait....they are not smiling....
..............They are laughing. And they keep laughing that you begin to laugh with them. "Wow! they are really really happy to see me." You feel overjoyed and continue to laugh. Suddenly you realize why they are laughing.

He's behind you, yes, your True Friend, the One who brought you Here, brought you to the serenity, the peace, and that part of you, the Giver of Life. He's been behind you the whole time walking in the water, pushing you along while you thought it was you paddling all along. You thought the paddling was easy but now you know why, for He did the work for you.

What's even more funny? The water was never deep. It was shallow all the time. You could have wadded through it all the way. Yet God wanted you to conquer your fears, go for the streets of gold, while He pushed you along.

Isn't it great that there is an End waiting for us? A place full of serene and calmness...? I go there every chance I get when I call upon God. He gives me a quick glimpse and assures me that there will be a beach waiting for me when I get there.

God Bless You!
Seek Heaven out in those dreary dark moments in the Woods!

Back To School

2010-02-05T17:00:00.003-06:00

Learning New Things...
It's a new year with new beginnings with new goals and aspirations. I have been fortunate enough to go back to college. My plan is to finish up and complete my Bachelor's in Management IT (Information Technology). Of course, that could change depending upon my job. NASA may be closing some of its doors, which would be a very sad occasion for America. Not only would lots of people loose jobs but America would loose one of its valuable assets, bascially just given away to other countries, as if we can afford to give much more away in this country.

I decided to take Intro to Algebra (Ugh!) since I am not that great at math--and I wanted to do IT work?? Go figure! Another class I am taking is Texas Government. Have I bored you yet? If I have, pay attention because I do have a point in here somewhere!! :) LOL

In my first week of Algebra, I lost all confidence. I went in just knowing things would come to me with ease as long as I had a good attitude about it. Well, that attitude changed when I couldn't grasp the point of X and positive and negative numbers....and why have them in parenthesis? I thought this was math, not English! As usually, if I can't grasp something, I feel so out of control. I start to panic and feel so angry and stupid. Thankfully I have lots of friends in the space program who know a few things about Algebra! Hello, they are developers who do this for a living!! I went to visit my good friend Karen and bribbed her with a large (Venti) Starbucks. She broke things down for me in such a funny and gentle way. I left her house feeling more confident and at ease. She has that way! I was even ahead in my class for a little while.

I started thinking, which you know, I try to compare things to life in general...philisophize. When we come across a problem in life, sometimes we panic or try to solve the whole problem at once. This is usually what I do anyways. I get scared and think I have to fix everything right away. Yet, we can take life's problems like an algebra equation:

Lesson 1

Be calm and remain confident
Review the problem as a whole (stand back a little and look at the problem as a whole)
Start with just a small step and sort things out
Turn negative things into positive things
Work through and solve the little problems
You'll get the answer in the end and of course Prayer always help to.

So there's a lesson you and I have learned {this week}.

As far as the Government class, I am excited to be able to share my viewpoints, once I get the nerve. The teacher is not as conserative as I am. However, I have read and learned that it is important to stand up for your rights regardless if you think your voice will be heard or not. Our country was founded on people standing up for what they believe in. We are blessed to still live in a country with the freedom that we have.

Lesson 2

Fight for what's right and important to you!

That being said, I am continuing to pray for the leadership of our country and the freedom of letting our voices and prayers be heard.

Never Stop Learning or Fighting for What's Right!!!

Is It Really Worth It?

2010-01-20T18:44:00.001-06:00

Is it worth the trouble?
A few years ago, our department received a new Lexmark copier complete with all the neat amenities like hole punching, duplexing, stapling, scanning, and faxing plus the standard features that only a copier guru would mess with like layouts, page numbers, watermarks, blah, blah, blah. Of course, we were all pleased when it first arrived. The company even made "false" promises that they would keep the copier in check. They even promised that the copier would notify them on the network when it was out of paper or having problems. What a dream!

Well, for the past year, not many kind words have been said about our new / old friend, Mr. Copier. He even got kicked a few times. He has slacked in doing his job and many of us wonder about his annual reviews. How can he stayed employed if he refuses to do his work most of the time plus eat up our copies and our time? And those nice perks about contacting the "copier people"? Unfortunately, most of "those" people were demoted or transferred when the company had layoffs.

For the past month, Mr. Copier's main doctor, Dr. Lexmark, has been out to see him on a weekly if not daily basis. He is such a regular that we have offered him a cubicle and many of our snacks. Naturally everyone says the same thing, "Why can't we just get a new one? What's the point?" Dr. Lexmark has made similar suggestions but hasn't had much luck convincing the board.

Which makes me wonder? Are the things we strive for really worth it? Some things that we dwell on, pursue, or spend our time on.....is it worth it? Are some things really worth fighting for?

In the past, I spent more time and money on pleasing someone else instead of taking care of my wants and needs. Was it worth it? At the time, partly so because I use to enjoy pleasing him until the time came when I felt betrayed and used up.

It is important to spend quality time with those you love and even treat them from time to time. Make lasting memories that you can later reflect on. Of course there has to be a balance. Take care of your needs but also being there for others when they need you...find that peace in between.

When I think about fighting for what's right, sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. What does it matter? Who would listen to me anyway? This seems to be a way a life for most folks. Then I get angry when I think about the suffering and the heartbreak I see in those I care about. It changes my mind. It's worth a try at least if it will be for the best benefit for someone. I want to see change quickly but sometimes it takes time. It takes more and more fighting and standing up for what is right. It may even mean sounding like a broken record to those folks you are fighting with. Yet think about the future, the long haul....can it make a difference?

I wonder if God ever thinks we are worth it. Are we worth His rescuing and forgiving time after time? Apparently so. If we are worth it to Him, then others need to be worth it to us also.

Take Time to Dwell on the Important Things that Are Worth It.

In the Dark with KY Power

2010-01-07T11:54:00.006-06:00

Where's the Power?
I recently visited my Mom in Kentucky for the Christmas holidays. As soon as I arrived on December 19th, I heard about the snow storm and the power going out in Eastern KY. I was dumbfounded when I saw the rumored "7 inches" of snow was nothing but a small throw of snow on the ground by the time I arrived. This was not what I expected when I hear of a "snow storm". Yet surprisingly the electric was off and stayed off for a week and even more for some others in Jackson, KY.

Needless to say I and the others around me were not happy, especially when we didn't see anyone working on the power lines anywhere. Furthermore, on a trip to Jackson one day, we saw a couple of electric men sitting in their warm cozy truck drinking coffee and reading the paper. My anger truly got the best of me that day as I approached them and gave them a piece of my mind. We had electric by that evening. Many thanks to a wonderful gentleman whom we had met the day before who was the only electric man around that seemed the most concerned. Of course the lady smiles and pleas from us all, me, my cousin Christianne, and Mommy, may have helped.

After all this ordeal and seeing the struggles with crummy uncaring businesses that my family has to dea withl on a day to day basis, made me very angry. I decided to write to the KY Power Company, the KY Governor Breshear, the Secretary of State, the Eastern KY District Representative Hal Rogers, as well as to the Lietuant Governor. I let them know the disappointment and the struggles the people of Eastern KY has with KY Power. I wouldn't be surprised to see nothing done as usual. It seems that no one listens or cares for the people of the Appalachians, leaving them powerless, even over their own voice.

It was a struggle growing up in an environment where you have no voice, no right to an opinion while living in fear of being retaliated against for trying to stand up for yourself and others. You grow up belieiving that your opinion doesn't matter and that you are worthless. I can't blame these struggles on just my home life and my family. It is part of the society in Eastern KY - the schools, the businesses, and of course the city government who pockets tons of money that should be used to help those who are trying to help themselves.

Many people of this country speak about discrimination against minorities. Yet they have no idea about the discrimination that the people in Eastern KY have lived with for decades.

Can you imagine a low class neighborhood in a major city being without power for week and nothing said or done about it?
Can you imagine a low class neighborhood in a major city being shut in because their streets are damaged and they have no way of getting out? How long would that last before the government done something about it?
Can you imagine a low class neighborhood in a major city being without water for a week with no one assisting them? How long would that last before the government and policitians helped them?

All I can say is, where is the Power when you feel you have none?

God Bless My People of Eastern KY!

Christmas - A Time for Family

2009-12-14T17:40:00.000-06:00

Family Time?!?
I was kind of lost as to what to write about this time around. Naturally, everyone's busy getting ready for Christmas and everything else so who has time to read. I have been busy as well with work and getting ready for my trip to KY to see my family.

In the last past few years, Christmas for me wasn't that great. Perhaps it was the loneliness of being away from my own close family and trying to fit in with another family. It wasn't quite the same and the food just wasn't as good! =) More recently, it was the stress and the saddness with my daddy and losing him, of course. Like me, some find the holidays a bit depressing. They are not always happy, happy, joy, joy!

As a child, there was always drama with my toxic family. Someone was angry, someone was drunk, someone was crazy.....or someone was in jail. Year after year it was the same crap. Even now as I speak, there is a bit of sadness and drama in my family. And just like I was as a child, I wish for everyone to get along and be happy. I am slowly realizing that it may never be. For my sanity check, I am also realizing that I don't have to "fix" all the relationships in my family either. Naturally, it makes me a bit sad when I see others disappointed and upset. However, I must realize that is the choice and the attitude that she/he has chosen.

For now, I am soooo very grateful to have my family...each and every one of them, regardless of the attitude they choose. Having Family at Christmas should be the most important gift you receive and give this year. It's not about the dinner, the stuff under the tree, and who did what to who ever! It's about making wonderful good memories with each other. It's about respecting all members of your family, the good ones and the bad ones. Life is way too short to ruin another Christmas for yourself and each other.

Enjoy Your Family at Christmas!!!

Depression

2009-12-01T18:03:00.002-06:00

What’s depression like?
What if you were to look down into a dark black hole just to see what was there. Then you began to dig away with a big spoon. Little by little you dug and dug and dug. Then years later you begin to realize you are standing in the middle of the dark black hole. You can see the light above you shinning down on you but there seems no way out. Here you stand, feeling like an idiot, because you started the digging in the first place and now you can’t get out.

For years, that’s what my depression was like. I got distracted away from life by peering into a dark hole that I thought held some of life’s precious gifts down there, things I thought I would always dream of having. I dreamed of acceptance, love, a family, and someone to love me unconditionally for life. I hung on and on while trying everything in my power to get to that treasure. I wasted time. I neglected my family. I abandoned old and new friends. I left my “use to be” dreams up on the ground while I continued digging this hole. I tried to change something that could not be changed. For years I gave away my spirit to broken promises from someone who didn’t know much about life himself. I held on to the anger, the brokenness, and tried every way to be “good enough”.

Many days were filled with fear, sadness, anger, or anxiety. I forgot who I was or what my real interests in life were. I became a clone of someone else’s desires for life instead of my own. By doing this, I thought I was being good enough and I would finally reach those precious gifts. Then suddenly, one day, after years of digging, I hit a wall, a concrete barrier blocking me from those gifts. Crazy as it sounds, I even tried to bust through the wall with my bare hands. It did no good. He disappeared and took the gifts with him leaving me alone in the darkness.

Within time, I was able to climb out but only by the Grace of God. Now I stand, out of that hole, looking at the glory around me. I see the sun shinning. I still want to glance back at the hole at times. I ponder for a moment but I am glad to be out, feeling life, breathing again, and giving my worries and dreams about life to God. I know He will bless me with those precious gifts and I won't have to dig in those deep holes.

Stay out of the Black Holes of Life!!!

Powerless

2009-11-18T05:02:00.007-06:00

Feeling Powerless?

I had almost forgotten that feeling until recently. Lately I have been running around, happy go lucky, feeling so in control. Yet an incident occured and I panicked for a moment. That old emotion of feeling so powerless and scared quickly came back. I had forgotten the three most important steps:
1. Accepting that I am Powerless.
2. Remembering that there is a God.
3. Allow Him to handle the situation.

In the past, I gave my power away so easily to others because I felt worthless and unsure of how to take care of my needs plus guilt for even wanting to. I gave my power away by:

      Not saying NO to someone when I needed to.
     Not setting boundaries or allowed others to change my mind about my boundaries.
    Not respecting God or myself enough by allowing others to stomp on my values and needs.

When my father passed away, it felt like a rug pulled from underneath my feet. We have no power over death. God is completely in control.

It is the same regarding others. We have no power over them. We can give and give and give for eternity but the end result is the same - we have no Power over them. They still have the choice of liking, loving, and respecting us or just Leaving us. We can't MAKE someone do anything, even though punching them until they do it sounds good sometimes. :)

Thankfully I realized that God is bigger than any situation or anyone. He will always take care of my needs as long as I allow Him to. I do this by respecting Him first and not putting others first. He will never leave me. He will never Complain about what I have or haven't done or shame me. He loves me. He loves You, too.

Give God your Powerlessness.

Thriller Dance

2009-11-05T09:44:00.001-06:00

Michael still lives (sort of)! Of course I am a MJ fan. I was thrilled that I got to participate in the Thriller dance that was offered by NASA's JSC Gilrtuth center. We practiced every Friday for the month of October. Unfortunately I got the flu the day before our last class but I managed to "zombie" through the dance. You can barely see me. I am dressed in a blue shirt with black pants with shiny shoes behind the tallest zombie there. I was going for the dead MJ zombie look. I felt weak and messed up several times but at least I did it! YAH! Here are the results:

Me as "Zombie" MJ!

Hanging with the "kids" (Amanda and Nathan).... and "chillin" with Uncle Andy!

Glowing Eyes

2009-10-30T20:38:00.002-05:00

One early morning when I was 8, I got up and ready for school. As usual, I grabbed my trusty red flashlight while Daddy buttoned my coat and said good-bye. “Be careful and watch out for snakes.” he’d always say.

I was nervous that morning. I felt a little frightened of walking out of the holler in the pitch black darkness by myself. There were no fancy street lights in a holler. I walked slowly across the damp plank near our barn. I always loved waking the minnows and crawdads with my flashlight. I rarely saw them in the bustling creek but I searched from them anyway, as I dreaded facing the monster tree limbs of the wooded path out of the holler. Suddenly my foot slipped from the plank. My red shoe was completely soaked from the creek. Great. Now my feet would get cold!

I started down the dark wooden path as I heard my shoe squish every time I stepped on it. I began to hum some songs from the Muppet Show to keep me company from the dark.

“It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight!”

I hummed the words I didn’t know.

“It’s time to get things started on the most...hmmm...tional, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational -This is what we call the Muppet Show!”

The more I sang, the more I recalled funny instances from the show. For a moment I was distracted, avoiding the darkness around me, then my flashlight started to dim. Oh no! The batteries are dying again. I shook and shook as the batteries rolled around inside the flashlight. For a moment the light went completely out. There I stood frightened in the pitch black shivering nervously. I shook the flashlight hard again but nothing happened. I slung it and shook it again and the light came back on brightly. Yah! The batteries were new again. I started skipping down my path and hoped my journey would eventually end. It always took forever.

I finally came to where the path sloped down the hill. I had another creek to pass. It was near a place where someone had thrown their garbage away years ago on the hillside. Bottles and cans had settled with the growth of the weeds on the side of the hill. Suddenly I heard a rustling coming from the weeds. What was that noise? I stopped for a second to look around but I didn’t see anything. The weeds rustled again. Oh my gosh, I wondered what it could be. I hope not a snake.

I started on my path again. I whipped my flashlight across the creek to see the other side. My heart almost stopped. On the hillside across the creek, two bright glowing eyes appeared by the tree. Snakes don't have eyes as big as these seemed to be. I couldn’t see a body, just the glowing evil eyes.

In those short moments, I stared and the eyes stared back at me.

“Oh my gosh! It’s a monster. It has to be.”

I nearly dropped my flashlight. I screamed but the eyes never moved. I refused to cross to the other side with those eyes over there.

“I am not going near those eyes.”

I screamed again and still the eyes never moved. They stared at me with an evil glaze. Suddenly the fear got the best of me and I began to run. My heart pounded and pounded in my chest.

“I want my Daddy. I want my Mommy.”

I felt so frightened. I suddenly realized I was going backwards towards home. I didn’t care. I was not going out of the holler with those evil eyes staring at me. On and on I ran, crying all the way.

I finally made it back home but I knew I would be in trouble for missing school. Daddy scolded me naturally. “There ain’t nothing to be scared about. You just wanted to get out of school.”

For years I think he thought I made up the story of the glowing eyes but they were real to me. So real that sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still see them glowing at me today.

Ugh….Another Year Already?

2009-10-23T14:55:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to Me…. Happy Birthday to Me…..

Happy Birthday to Me…la..la..la!

In the past my birthdays generally kind of sucked. I rarely celebrated, other than with cake and stuff. Yet somehow this year feels different. It’s been almost a year since I’ve been alone and I am ok with that. The struggles of the past are out the door and gone down the road somewhere. Lately I have felt better about me and have more confidence than I have ever had in my lifetime. But the negative voices of the past still pop up and try to make me feel guilty for feeling confident as if I am so selfish. How odd that it’s ok for others to take care of themselves but not for me.

I received my Mom’s birthday card the other day and the pain struck me. The card had only my Mom’s signature of course. I was reminded that I would never again see my Daddy’s signed name on my birthday or Christmas cards. The sadness came over me once more. I started recalling the loneliness and struggles from last year. For a moment, my happiness evaporated. Just as I was about to drift down that depressing daydream, it struck me. We say “Happy” birthday not “Sad” birthday. Would Daddy really want me mourning and relishing in the sadness? Of course not! Daddy always wanted me to be careful and though he didn’t express it a lot, I know he wanted me to be happy and have the best in life. I can still hear his voice just like it was every time I called, “Hello. How are ya?” LOL!

Though he is gone, I still communicate with him and my Heavenly Father for both are watching the road ahead of me. I feel so grateful for my mom and the family I do have. It’s the little things that we seem to overlook and disregard as nothing. Each time I want to cry, I remember how great God has blessed me.

Be grateful for the little things in life!

Worthless Things

2009-10-22T12:15:00.002-05:00

Are you like me? I'm attracted and awe at what the celebrities are wearing and doing these days. Why is that they are so attractive and entertaining to us? Plus why is that they receive $10,000 gift bags, wear ridiculous priced clothing, and are exempt from serving time when they break the law? If it’s not the celebrities I am awing at, it’s the gruesome shocking news headlines that I can’t turn away from. I find myself wasting countless hours viewing and critiquing the world when I should be spending more quality time fixing my own life.

So it didn’t amaze me at all this morning when I read “Our Daily Bread”. It was as if God was speaking right at me for He knows my morning routine of surfing the news channels to see what is happening in the world. It was from Psalm 119:31, “Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way.” It was a reminder for me to turn away from such things that I have no control over. It was a reminder to seek God’s beauty in the ugliest of the real world.

So many times I have found myself so angry about the values that are important to me now being destroyed in a society lost within its self; a society hungry for own self pleasure, freedom, and a materialism lifestyle. No longer can our children play freely in the street or even help a stranger out with loading his groceries into a car. Besides, has our children of today even heard of such things?

What happened along the way that caused such fear and such cruelty in our world? Where are we headed? IDK! Oh, just in case you’ve forgotten, our children speak in acronyms now and can barely spell.

Yes, I could ponder and worry about the leadership of the government, the hunger and AIDS crisis in Africa, and would Kate and Jon Gosselin just disappear. Yet worrying and judging the world gets me no where. Instead, I turn my eyes away. Not to ignore the tragedies of the world but to let go. Whatever worldly issue shocks me, I let go and give it to God, for only He is BIG enough to handle the world. Believe it or not, He is still in control - just check your local weather channel and see our every changing climate in every state.

Ok…..so I’ve bored you enough for today. I know – I know – you’re going to go check out You Tube right now to go see that Lady Ga Ga video or something more entertaining, it’s ok, I understand. But regardless, in the future take some time to seek out God’s glory in ALL things and place your focus on Him for a moment. You will be amazed by His Peace.

Take Care & God Bless!

Well, Howdy!!!

2009-10-19T15:44:00.000-05:00

Hi!

Glad you could visit me out here in Internet Land. Everyone in the world seems to have a boring blog these days so I thought I'd give it a try. I hope I don't bore anyone (or myself for that matter!). I just wanted to try this blogging thing out and see if anyone's interested in reading some of my thoughts. :^)

Since this is new, I will keep it short and hopefully have better ideas for the next post.... (I hope).

Good News - I now show up in Lulu.com's search engine. Woo Hoo! I finally published my first book last week and I am so proud to see my work out there. How weird! Check out my Lulu storefront and purchase or download my book {hint hint}:

http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=3834867

BTW - Congrats to my cuz, Alonzo. He will be in the Kentucky Book Fair this November in Frankfort, Kentucky. He is such a celeb....! Lucky! Check out his blog and his book:

http://www.classactionarticle.blogspot.com/

Well, Thanks for visiting...gotta go look like I have a life! :)

God Bless You...hope to see you next time!