Broken Plans

When you are younger, you have great dreams and aspirations for your life.  I remember having countless fights with my mom about having "sensible" goals.  I debated about being a dancer, actress, writer, computer programmer, business woman, wife, and mom.  Um...yeah...not many of those goals have really worked out for me.  Somehow in my 20's and 30's, I got sidetracked from working two jobs to make ends meet as well as feeling stuck in an immature relationship.  I had no time to accomplish life goals.  I was too busy worrying about pleasing others and a small fear of growing up emotionally.

How many of us wake up one day as if our life had been a bad night of partying or a bad dream? Suddenly we realize that life seems to have passed us by, while others look like they got a 1st class ticket on the Train to Life.  They seem to have it all together - the house, car, career, family....etc.  Too many times I look at my past mistakes and start to feel stranded at that train station.  How did I get stuck here so fast? I was so sure I had more time.

I find that I am my worst critic. I try to look strong on the outside while beating myself up on the inside.  Instead of seeing the positive accomplishments I have made, I tend to glare at those unfinished goals. Unfortunately, so many of them I don't have much power over. Then I get even angrier knowing that I don't have that control to just fix what's broken.

Those times when I can’t fix my health, people, or other situations in my life makes me realize how powerless I truly am. My biggest example of powerlessness was when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer at the end of 2008. I was convinced that it wasn't true and the doctors were wrong.  Even though deep down I knew that only God could change things, I still thought I had some power over my dad’s health.

It is in these times where I have no choice but to surrender, something I don’t enjoy. I usually come to this place kicking, screaming, and sometimes throwing things before I finally do surrender. My biggest battle is within – not wanting to ask for help because I can’t trust that the help will even be there.

Yet, the minute I let go and stop fighting is when the peace finally comes.  In that minute, I am able to forgive myself and others for any disappointments.  I hold on and trust in God to help me.  In that moment I am able to breathe a sigh of relief knowing that He’s in Control and will bring the changes I need.  I may not see the changes right away, if ever.  Yet I have that moment of peace when I allow Him to drive the Train to Life. 

There is no shame or defeat in surrendering to God, only Freedom.

Those who love me, I will deliver; I will protect those who know my name. When they call to me, I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will rescue them and honor them. With long life, I will satisfy them and show them my salvation. Psalms 91:14-16.

Pride

Every Sunday I watch people proceed in a long line when my church announces the altar call. Each person patiently awaits his/her turn to pray with a prayer partner. On occasion, thoughts cross my mind on why they choose to line up. What are their needs? Do they believe in miracles? Will they encounter a life changing moment by praying with a prayer partner? What crosses my mind even more is why I choose to avoid that line. Am I stronger than they are? Perhaps my needs are just not as important as theirs.

The prayer line at my church reminds me of my past. As a teenager, my parents and I would stand in line for government handouts. The "give away" cheese, butter, dry milk, and other goods were life savers growing up. The cheese was the best and my mom made the best recipes from these goods! I can still taste that yummy cheese!!!

My memories of standing line for cheese made me realize the pride I have. I suppose I avoid that altar call because of my independence and pride. Countless times my pride has kept me from asking for help. Not just in prayer but in many other situations. I shield myself from asking others for what I need or what I would like. I fear the rejection, disappointment, and shame for not feeling worthy or important enough.

As a child, I was taught to accept just what you got and be deserving of it. There was a bit of guilt and shame in asking for what you wanted. There were a lot of struggles in my childhood. Many times my family had to rely on others when we needed transportation, money, or help in other ways. At times I felt discouraged and disappointed because people were not able or willing to help. I realized that people are not perfect. They will disappoint you. They will let you down or choose not to help. I saw the struggles my parents endured during these times. Subconsciously, I was determined to never have to stand in line or rely on others to meet my needs.

My independence has helped me accomplish many goals in my life. This determination has got me where I am today. Unfortunately, it has also handicapped me from having healthy relationships and friendships. I tend to find needy people who “need” to be rescued. I find myself getting “used” at times then end up feeling bitter about it. I tend to never ask for what I need or want in relationships. I never want to show my weakness. I want to be strong enough.

Standing in those long lines for cheese also taught me the limitations that mankind has. Those government handouts unfortunately were limited to the number of people in a household. To avoid this, my mom would have my dad and I stand separate from her so that we could get more items. Thankfully God's answers to our prayers are not limited in this way. We can’t manipulate Him to get more than our share but it’s ok to ask to Him for what we want or need.

God is showing me that I can ask for what I want. It is ok to show my weakness. There is no shame in asking Him for I am worthy of His love. Perhaps I will be in that prayer line this Sunday when they announce the altar call.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:13

 

Letting Go

Not long ago I had a dream I was driving too fast down a rainy slippery road.  The minute I thought about slowing down, I lost control of my truck.  Suddenly, I went sailing off the edge of a mountain like a bird in flight.  

In another dream, I was on my way to work when I took a wrong turn.  I was wandering around down a neighborhood as if I was in a foreign land.  Somehow I ended up standing on an empty beach.  Within moments, a tidal wave was rushing towards me like a tsunami. Before I knew it, the gigantic wave was hovering over my head ready to wash me away. 

Both dreams were frightening and so real like.  They made me nearly jump out of my bed.  What I remember most from these dreams was a feeling of inner peace.  The feeling was a calm one with a sense of letting go, not really giving up, but just realizing that life really was out of my hands and out of my control. In those final moments of the dream,  I had complete trust in God. I felt freedom from the pressures of the world.

For many years I have seen lives destroyed because of drugs, alcohol, and other addictions. Like a monster, these addictions have kidnapped many of my family and friends.  One by one, this monster has eaten away at their hearts, dragged their mind into hell, and placed them in a bondage nearly impossible to escape from.  Their lives became so tangled up with the brokenness as if they were trapped in a briar patch.  The lies, deceit, anger, robbery, sadness, and hopelessness became the thorns.

As the devastation of lives unfold before my eyes, my heart aches knowing there is little I can do to free them from this monster.  The more I pray, the more the destruction seems to grow.  For a while I thought what was the point of praying for them.  I use to believe that if I just loved them enough then things would eventually change, as if I had that type of control.  

Accepting that I can't help those close to me is very hard.  I want to run in, rescue, and have them feel no pain. Many times we do it with our children.  They climb, get into things, and fall.  They feel the pain.  As parents, we can guide and provide protection but there also has to be consequences from mistakes. We can allow our children to learn from the bad choices they make. 

Recalling these dreams made me realize that my prayers were not the only answer. I needed to learn to let go, trust, and look at my own issues of control.  None of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes.  They key is learning from them enough to make better choices next time.

Years ago a friend of mine gave me this "letting go" piece .  The words did not hit home until recently.  

Letting Go

To Let Go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To Let Go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.

To Let Go is not to enable but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To Let Go is not to care for but to care about.

To Let Go is not to fix but to be supportive.  It is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being.

To Let Go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To Let Go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To Let Go is not to deny but to accept. It is not to nag, scold or argue but instead search out my own weaknesses and correct them.

To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to become what I dream I can be.

To Let Go is not to regret that past but to grow and live for the future.

To Let Go is to fear less and love more.

Letting go allows us to trust God to do what we can't do -- provide the everlasting love, acceptance, and protection at all times.